3x Thursday meme

1. Name 3 pet peeves and explain them.
a) People who won't stop talking long enough for me to answer their question. This happens to me at work all the time. I would be glad to answer you, IF YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE.
b) Putting an empty coffee pot back on the burner. It takes maybe half a minute to start a new pot. And if you're not going to start a new pot, at least turn the burner off.
c) Judgemental, hypocritical people. I think that one's self-explanatory.

2. Name 3 things you would like to do before the year is up.
a) meet some more OT peeps
b) lose 25-30 pounds
c) go on a date

3. Name 3 things you'd like to accomplish before you die.
a) become fluent in another language
b) travel to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower
c) go bungee jumping or sky diving

Bonus Question for Comments: Name 3 of your favorite movies.
While You Were Sleeping
Pretty In Pink
French Kiss

contrary or confused?

I take two baby steps forward, and run 10 steps back...

So, as I told you earlier, I had signed up with an online dating service, because I want to find my soulmate. (yes, I do believe that everyone has a soulmate. Call me a romantic or a fool or whatever you want, but that's just how I feel.) I want to meet someone, and fall in love, and get married, and all that jazz. So, why, when this one guy I've been exchanging "smiles" with, tells me today in an email, that he is looking for a long term relationship, and that if I'm just looking for someone to chat with, that he's not right for me, why am I backing off, thinking WHOA! let's get to know each other first, etc... let's talk first, then see if it leads anywhere.

More contraryness... he tells me he's completely relocatable... OK, I have a job I love, I'm buying a house, I don't want to have to move if I should meet someone, I want him to consider relocating. But this guy says that, and I'm thinking, red flag! What, you can just up and move? Don't you have a job, or roots, that you might need to consider before you offer to transplant yourself? It's what I want, or is it?

It has been pointed out to me by a couple of people, that I seem to be deliberately choosing men who are very far away from me, instead of someone who is close enough that a relationship could be an actuality. That I'm making sure it's not going to work, because of the distance.

To be honest, I'm scared. I have not been on a date since 1989. How do you get back out there? I just don't even know what to do.

Advice, anyone?

the birthday girl

Since it's my birthday, I thought I would show y'all a couple of my favorite pics of myself. This one, if my mom had it developed in the same month it was taken, would be when I was 20 months old.

This one was when I was 20, my 2nd year in college. I was such a ham when there was a camera around.

quiz

Sometimes Seductive! You are 48% Seductive!

Ok, it looks like you do have some seductive powers in your arsenal, but you don't rely on them too heavily. There are indeed times when you feel that a subtle approach is best for getting what you want, but - most importantly - you are able to recognize when direct action and hard work are the only way to get results. You're not immune to flights of fancy, but you usually know when it's time to come down and put in some real effort. People in this range of seductiveness don't reject subtlety as a mode of operation, but are able to avoid getting stuck in illusions and fantasies - endlessly waiting for good things to come along, as more seductive people often do. You're more likely to go ahead and put your cards on the table, simply letting people know what you want, instead of hiding your desires and hoping that someone, somewhere, someday, fulfills them for you... Good going!

Stolen from the green one's blog.

1.What is your first name?
Freda

2. Were you named after anyone?
My father's ex-GF. Seriously.

3. Do you wish on stars?
No.

4. When did you last cry?
This past weekend.

5. Do you like your handwriting?
No. I wish it was neater.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Ham.

7. What is your most embarrassing CD?
ABBA's Best of...

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
No.

9. Do you have a journal?
Yes.

10. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Never.

11. What are your nicknames?
Don't have any.

12. Would you bungee jump?
Yes.

13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
No.

14. Do you think that you are strong?
Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? No. Yes. No.

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Jamoca (sp) Almond from Baskin Robbins

16. Shoe Size?
9.5

17. Red or pink?
Red

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
That I'm too needy. The shallow answer would be my fingernails... They constantly break off, and the nail on my middle finger, left hand, dips down.

19. Who do you miss most?
My son.

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
N/A

21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
Black pants, and currently barefoot.

22. What are you listening to right now?
Queen.

23. Last thing you ate?
Hamburger pattie

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Aquamarine.

25. What is the weather like right now?
Fuggin HOT.

26. Last person you talked to on the phone?
My mom.

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Well that depends. Do I see his front or back first? If it's the back, then obviously, I notice his butt first. If it's the front, then it's his eyes and smile (plus I'm checking to make sure his teeth aren't missing and/or nasty gross.)

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I like the person I stole it from.

29. Favorite Drink?
Coffee

30. Favorite Sport?
I hate sports.

31. Hair Color?
Naturally brown with some grey, chemically enhanced to be brown with blonde highlights, and no grey.

32. Eye Color?
green & brown

33. Do you wear contacts?
no.

34. Favorite Food?
Khaeng Phed

35. Last Movie You Watched?
In theater, War of the Worlds, on DVD, The Sweetest Thing.

36. Favorite Day Of The Year?
The first day of Autumn.

37. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
Happy Endings.

38. Summer or Winter?
Winter, because I can't stand the heat.

39. Hugs or Kisses?
both.

40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
Tiramisu

41. Who Is Most Likely To do this Meme?
Don't know

42. Who Is Least Likely To do this Meme and comment?
Don't know

43. What Books Are You Reading?
Just finished "Good in Bed", and haven't started another one yet.

44. What's On Your Mouse Pad?
Nothing, it's just a solid blue.

45. What Did You Watch Last night on TV?
Rock Star: INXS

46. Favorite Smells?
Honeysuckle, the way it smells after it's rained, and certain men's colognes.

47. Favorite Sounds?
a baby laughing

48. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
I can't choose between the two. I like them both.

49. What's the furthest you've been from home?
However far Ohio is from TN

50. Do you have a special talent?
Yes, I can alienate people faster than anyone else.

51. What is your ring tone?
Depends on who is calling.

Oh, the embarrassment

The a/c is turned down too low at my office, and that's all I'm going to say. You're a bright bunch, I'm sure you can figure it out.

Music meme

What hit song of the last 5 years do you think will become a “golden oldie” 2 or 3 decades from now?

quiz

removed this 'cuz it screwed up the entire blog format.

No Offense

No offense...

I don’t mean to be rude, but…

When did prefacing your comments with “no offense” become a free pass to say offensive hurtful things? As if that negates the rudeness of what spews from your mouth, and if someone gets hurt by your words, it’s their problem, because, after all, you did say “no offense”.

It seems that when ever anyone starts off with that phrase, get ready for it. Be prepared to hear something very vile and hateful. They know that what they are about to say is hurtful. But if you’re offended, then you’re too sensitive. After all, they said upfront that it was not their intent to be offensive and/or insensitive to anyone. So deal with it.

People with weight issues seem to be fair game for any and all comments. I love when people feel the need to point out that I’m fat. Excuse me? Do you honestly think I have no idea that I’m overweight? Do you really think you are telling me something of which I was completely oblivious? Would it be acceptable to you for me to point out that you have bad breath? And are balding? Shall I tell that teenager that the acne on his or her face is just not attractive? Oh, but that would be rude and hateful on my part. But it’s ok to say I’m fat, and should really lose weight. And if I don’t lose weight, it’s because I’m a lazy, slovenly cow. Unless of course, I have thyroid issues.

Sometimes, people have other issues... and part of the way they try to deal with these issues manifests into weight problems.

Years ago, when I was working in a nursing home as the bookkeeper, one of the residents came into my office one day. She says to me, “I want to give you a compliment.” I’m sure you’re thinking the same as I was, “how nice”. Then she adds this, “because I’m sure as a big girl, you don’t get many compliments.” She tells me I have very nice clothes (for a big girl). Then she asked me if I had to have my clothes specially made. Wow. If you could have seen the look on her face when I told her no, I was able to buy my clothes ready made. “You mean they sell clothes that big?” She was stunned. Of course, I was stunned, also. I don’t believe I’ve ever had anyone be that rude to me before. Well, that’s not completely true. My ex-husband liked to make digs about my weight, too. The last argument we had before I left him, he told me he had not minded that I was big when we got married (isn’t that nice of him?), but I had totally “porked out” since then. Of course, at that point in the marriage, his opinion really meant nothing to me. It still stung, but not that much. He was so delusional anyway. A couple of times, in our fights, I would point out that he had gained weight since our wedding, too. His comeback was that he still wore the same size jeans. And while, yes he did wear the same size jeans, the difference was that the jeans used to come up to just below his belly button, the way they were meant to. But by then, he was wearing them just right above the groin area. He wouldn’t have been able to fasten them, if he was to pull them all the way up.

I’m told by some people who I love dearly, that I’m a beautiful person, inside and out, and just need to learn to love myself. I know they’re right, that I have to accept who I am, and love that person. But it’s hard when other people feel the need to tear me down. I just wish people would think, before saying things. I don’t mean I want someone to tell me they think I’m beautiful, if that’s not what they feel, but you don’t have to say mean things to me, either. It’s like the saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. You know, if you don’t like what you see when you look at me, turn your fucking head. Again, don’t say what you don’t mean, I don’t like insincere compliments. It’s not right for you to try to tear me down. Or is your own life so miserable, that you need to drag others down to where you are?

And so ends my rant.

Excitement & exhilaration, mixed with just a bit of fear

I'm excited and nervous! In September, my company will be flying me to Florida to conduct a Medicare training seminar with our bookkeepers from that state. Just a one day meeting, and then I'm taking a couple of vacation days, and staying in St. Pete (or somewhere close - read cheaper hotel). I have never seen the ocean (actually, I still won't be seeing the ocean... I will be on the Gulf of Mexico side of Florida). Oh well. It will still be beautiful.

I hope I don't do my normal scaredy-cat kinda behavior, and stay in my hotel the whole time. Wait. I won't do that. I am going to go out, I'm going to have fun, and it's going to be wonderful. I just wish there was some way to do this without having to go through the airport. I've only flown once before, and flying didn't bother me at all. Dealing with the airport, however, stressed me out. It's the whole "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what line to be in, etc". I don't like getting out of my comfort zone at all. The unknown freaks me out. I'm one of those people, that if I have a list of do this, this, and this, stand here, go there, so I know exactly what I'm to do the whole time, I'm fine. My friends at work thought I was nervous about flying, but that didn't phase me at all. I love trying new things, I just want to know what I'm supposed to do.

Anyway, September 13th, I fly to Tampa, on the 14th, I conduct my meeting, and then it's fun time until Sunday morning, when I fly back.

I can't wait!!!!

FirstLastNow meme

First

• First job: Babysitting, but first job that had involved paying taxes, etc was at a nursing home, working in the kitchen
• First screen name: arkiegrl
• First funeral: My grandfather's
• First pet: A beagle named Susie
• First piercing: My ears, when I was 15
• First tattoo: A pegasus, on my shoulder blade, this year
• First credit card: Cato
• First kiss: John, behind the church, when I was 12
• First enemy: Shirley Maggot

Last

• Last car ride: last night, on my way home from drinking with Jessica
• Last kiss: too, too many years ago (it was my ex-hubby)
• Last movie watched: In the theater, War of the Worlds, on dvd, Dogma
• Last beverage drank: White Russian
• Last food consumed: steak, grilled veggies, and baked sweet potato
• Last phone call: to my mom
• Last time showered: this morning
• Last CD played: Cheap Trick, The greatest hits
• Last website visited: The daily meme

Now

• Single or taken:Single
• Gender:female
• Birthday: Aug 16
• Sign: Leo
• Siblings: 3
• Hair color: brown, with blonde highlights
• Eye color: green & brown
• Shoe size: 9 1/2
• Height: 5'6"
• Wearing: Jeans and a violet colored t-shirt
• Drinking:nothing
• Thinking about: getting my hair done
• Listening to: the radio, Love Hurts

validation

I have received validation this week...

I am good at my job... I know this, and my boss knows this too, but this week, validation! Recently, I was assigned to work on collecting some monies for one facility. I had to work from March back, and the facility bookkeeper would pick up April forward. My supervisor came to my office yesterday, for a reminder of what dates of service I was working. March and back for that A/R type is now zero. April forward... not so good.

We have a job opening in our department... She was discussing the position with one of the applicants, who remarked that she knew she would never be as good as me. When she grows up, she wants to be just like me. LOL.

It's just good to know that other people also tell my boss that I'm good at what I do. I don't like it when people brag on themselves. I always think to myself... if you're that good, I will be able to see it, you don't have to tell me... But it's good to hear that other people notice.

Searching...

Like I said in an earlier post, I am starting to put myself (slowly, ever slowly) back on the dating scene. I have been divorced for 12 years now. I haven't dated at all since leaving my ex. I had so much baggage from dealing with him, that I am just now starting to shed. One of the obstacles I have to overcome is my size. I am big and beautiful. But I haven't felt beautiful, just big. I am starting to love myself. And I know that is the first step. If you don't love yourself, who will?

At the online dating service I signed up with, a question was asked on one of the message boards. What do women think when they hear a man say he is attracted to BBW's? I had answered, and included the statement that what I really want, is a man who doesn't prefer a particular body type. What I should have said, is one who doesn't limit himself to one type. Anyway, that sparked off quite a debate. *rolls eyes* But what I was trying to say, is there are so many things that make a person attractive. And I am so much more than a body type. I pointed out that I would have the concern, if I was with a man who only found BBW's attractive, and I lost weight (which is a goal for me), would I have to worry about not being attractive to him then? I mean, it's the same for women who are slim (I am assuming, as I have never been slim), having to worry if there is weight gain, is the man still going to be attracted?

But this has got me to thinking... should a person, at some point, give up your ideals, and "settle" for what you can get? I don't mean that I have a list of requirements, and failure to have all eliminates someone... not anything rigid like that... but is there anything wrong with believing that I have a soulmate out there? I guess it's because I don't have an exact "type"... I find so many different things appealing. And that's what I want in return. Of course, I am human, and I do have deal-breakers... ya gotta have a decent set of teeth... :)

My baby's not a baby anymore

Last week, my baby turned 14. He's almost as tall as me, now. His voice has been steadily getting deeper and deeper. Of course, that started happening a couple of years ago. It's funny how you don't notice those kind of things as they happen day to day. I noticed it because I had gotten my son a cell phone two years ago. He had recorded his name for the voice mail. Most times, when he called, I usually answered. It was rare that his calls went to my voice mail. But one day, I missed the call. So I checked my voice mail, and there's his cute young voice, announcing his name, and then the message starts, and there's this deep voice saying, "hi, Mom". I was so startled. When did this happen? Of course, he has changed the recording on his voice mail, so I've lost being able to hear how he used to be. The above picture was taken when he was 9 or 10 months. This one below was taken 6 years ago. He wanted to dye his hair red. Fire engine read. I remembered it turning out more cotton candy pink than what it looks like in this photo. Poor child... His cheap momma said she would be able to do it at home, no need to go somewhere to have it done. But it is a very pretty shade of pink, dontcha think? He kept begging to have it done, and didn't want to wait until school was out. The guidance counselor at his school had called and chewed me out over this. But it was just hair, ya know? I don't believe I scarred my child for life, like she implied.



He hates to have his picture taken now. Guess that's just one of the "phases" of being a teenager.

A child's heartbreak

Clint called me yesterday, sobbing. Cara had died. I wasn't aware she was even sick. It tears my heart up when my child has to deal with things like this. We had gotten Cara about 6 months after we had moved into the house. Unfortunately, we couldn't keep her, because the neighbor's child kept pulling at our fence until there was a large gap, and Cara kept getting out. So we took her to my parents that Thanksgiving. They live out in the country, so Cara was free to roam as she pleased. These first two photos are from when we first brought her home with us. She was such a little stinker. I had bought a dog house for her, but she wouldn't stay in it. When it rained, she would get up on the deck and sit by the sliding door, looking in at us. She tore up the dog bed I bought for her. She preferred sleeping under the deck, in the dirt. She also wanted to come in the house. But she was just too hyper to keep inside.













This picture was taken down at my parents, last year.










Even though she was Clint's dog, she was my baby. She thought she was a lap dog. She also liked me to hold her in my arms when I was standing up, and she would put her nose on my neck and in my hair. Cara liked to hug, too. After Clint had moved back to Arkansas to live with my parents, I had went for a visit. I was hugging Clint (either when I first got there, or when I was leaving to come back home), and Cara raised up on her hind legs, and put her front legs around me so she could be included in the hug.

RIP, Cara. January 2002 - July 2005. I'll miss you.

linking blogs

I would like to start adding links to other people's blogs, but don't want to do it without your permission/approval...

so... If it's ok for me to add a link to your blog, please let me know. Thanks!

Everyone else was stealing it...

1) My uncle once: called me "uglier than I am". Actually, he called me that everytime he saw me, until I gained a lot of weight. I guess he was afraid it would hurt my feelings then.
2) Never in my life: have I went sky-diving.
3) When I was five: I was five. Sorry, don't remember much about it.
4)High school was: one humiliation after another.
5) Fire is: mesmorizing.
6) I once saw: George Jones at the local mall, just standing there.
7) There's this woman I know who: writes country songs.
8) Once, at a bar: I actually didn't get drunk. OK, that's probably a lie.
9) By noon I'm usually: wishing it was time to go home.
10) Last night: I started reading a new book. I was going to make a comment about knapping my flint, but decided that was TMI.
11) If I only had: never, EVER applied for a credit card.
12) Next time I go to church: will probably be for someone's funeral.
13) The best thing about my last relationship was: my son being born.
14) What worries me most: is being unloved.
15) When I turn my head left: I see my Pegasus collection.
16) When I turn my head right: I usually 'crack' my neck.
17) You know I'm lying when: I start snickering.
18) What I miss most about the eighties: my youth, and hair bands.
19) If I were a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: a bawdy tavern wench.
20) By this time next year: I hope to have lost 60 pounds.
21) I have a hard time understanding: why Tom Cruise's publicist keeps booking him for public appearances.
22) You know I like you if: I tease you.
23) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: whoever bribed the judges.
24) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: walked into a bar...
25) Take my advice, never: marry this man -



26) My ideal breakfast: Belgian waffles with strawberries, and lots of coffee.
27) If you visit my hometown, I suggest you go to: Schakolad's - their chocolate is to die for.
28) Why doesn't everyone: realize I am the queen of the fucking universe?
29) If you spend the night at my house: don't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee.
30) I'd stop my wedding: if I flubbed up the line "lawful wedded husband". I said "awful wedded" 3 times when I married dumbass, before I could get it right, and I guess it was like invoking beetlejuice.
31) The world could do without: bigots and snakes.
32) My favorite blonde is: oh, she knows. *wink*
33) If I do anything well, it's: suck up.
34) And by the way: I'm actually sober right now.
35) The last time I was drunk, I: posted something on one of my other blogs, but didn't remember doing it the next morning.

guilt

I hate feeling guilty. Hate it! And I have felt guilty all day. Sometimes, I'm just not a very good friend or nice person.

Background info that will make sense at the end of the story: I live 3 miles away from my office. One of my co-workers that I'm friends with, lives about 30 miles away the office.

Last night, around 11:00, she IM's me, all in a panic. She had forgotten to calculate statements before she left Friday afternoon. This had to be done before Monday morning. She kept asking me what she should do. I told her she needed to go to the office right then, and get it started. I didn't volunteer to go do it for her. And I'm only 3 miles away. Just not very nice. And I have felt bad about it all day.

Yesterday was a pretty damn good day

Yesterday, doomie and I got together and went to see War of the Worlds. We had planned on going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but doomie's kids had wanted to see that, so she took them during the week. She said it was horrible, and as a friend, she could not allow me to waste my time on that piece of crap. The movie started at four, so we left her house around 2:30, so we could go to TGIFridays to have a glass of wine (or 3) before the movie. Doomie said she needed the wine so she would be able to tolerate watching Tom Cruise (or as Augie calls him, Tom Skanky Cheater No Talent Nutjob Whackjob Cheater Cruise). Me? I was glad to use that as an excuse to drink 3 glasses of wine. *grin*

The movie was acutally good. (I have never seen the original, so I don't have that as a comparison.) Very intense. The other people in the theater were dead silent the whole time. I have never seen/heard a theater be that quiet. No rustling, no whispering, nada. I was emotionally drained by the end. However, I do have one thing that bothered me. OK - when the lightening strikes occur at the beginning of the movie, they short out all the electricty, the phones (land line and cell), the cars, even the battery on his watch. So, how was the one guy in the crowd able to have his video camera working? Wouldn't the battery on that have shorted out too? That bothered me. Plus, everyone's car dies... they replace the solenoid on the one mini-van... why couldn't they do that to any other car??? AND? why didn't the news van die, also? But other than those nit-picky things, I enjoyed the movie. I am so impressed with Dakota Fahning. She is quite the fine actress. I hope she is one of the few who are able to make the transition from child actor to adult actor.


After the movie, doomie and I went by the wine store, picked up a few bottles, and went back to her house. Let me tell you all, doomie is a wonderful cook. Since her family had already eaten, she cooked something for the two of us. We had chicken salad with artichoke. This was the first time I had eaten artichoke, and it was very good. And her chicken salad is very tasty. We drank some more wine, and watched Dogma on the dvd.

I had a wonderful day.

heh

So... a few months back, I signed up at an online dating service. An online dating service for BBW's, and the men(freaks) that like big women. OK... calling men who like large women freaks is not nice, and not completely true. And considering that I am a one of those large women, I should probably be glad that there are men out there who prefer a woman with a {helluva} lot of extra padding. And even better, there are men who actually have no preference... that it's what is inside that counts. Not that *I* have ever met one of this men in real life, but I know they are out there. But that's not what this post is about, so I guess I will try to get back on track. *grin* (Remember, this blog *is* named 'Ramblings')

So, I have had my profile up, and had a few "smiles" sent to me, sent a few to some of the men whose profiles caught my eye, but haven't really put out much effort. They have a chat room, but I haven't been in it, and I could IM but just haven't been able to bring myself to make the first move. Like I said in my profile comment on this blog, I really am shy. There are two men who have really interested me at the dating service. And last night, I finally got up my nerve to IM one of them. Of course, in sticking to my self-defeating ways, I picked the man who lives in Ireland as opposed to the one who lives in Memphis. I mean, after all, why pick the man who is less than 200 miles away, when you can pick the guy who lives on the other side of the ocean? But I am glad I chatted with Niall. He seems like a really nice guy, very interesting, and he's a musician. And he gives out some very nice compliments. *smile* I'm such a sucker for a line... tell me I'm cute (actually, he said stunning), and I'm putty in your hands, LOL. Of course, I know I need to be careful and cautious. There are a lot of nutjobs and liars out there. But it's like I told my mother, when we were discussing the other guy that I talked about previously that I had feelings for. She warned me that I needed to be careful, because he could be lying, and telling me anything, what with it being the internet. I remarked, "right, because a man won't lie to you face-to-face." And then my sister was kind enough to point out, that after all, I did not meet my ex on the internet. (Nobody in my family really ever liked my ex.)

Regarding my comment about a man lying... I just want to clarify... I am not bashing men. I don't always like men, but I know that not all men are creeps. Just the ones I get involved with. *grin*

Doin' the happy dance!

OK, I'm shallow enough that this has made me very, very happy! A couple of months ago, we were told that we would be moving our offices to another building. We got to see the new building, and were told where each of us would be. There were 4 sets of cube-land, and only 1 was going to be taken down, and real offices, with real walls would be put in. The accounts receivable staff would be in cube-land. I? was not a happy camper, as I am part of the A/R staff, and currently have my own office. But today, my supervisor emailed the floor plan to us, and in cube-land, they are building a couple of offices in the space, and I GET ONE! YES! I WILL STILL HAVE AN OFFICE, WITH WALLS THAT GO TO THE CEILING, AND A DOOR I CAN CLOSE!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently, I have been more vocal about my displeasure at the thought of being sent back to cube-land, because two of my co-workers asked if I was happy now. One even called me a spoiled brat. But you know what? I don't care! Maybe my boss thought I would leave if I had to be in a cube. I don't know. But it doesn't matter, because I WILL HAVE AN OFFICE!!!!

Horroscope from flooble.

I am a Leo. (Also known as "Lion") My Horroscope starts like this:
" From the early age, Leos are inclined towards drunkennes and extortion. When it comes to anything else, they show a remarkable degree of laziness. As a child, a Leo will typically demand a lot of money from parents, then from friends and even casual aquaintances. " (Read more Find yours)

my writing

This is the poem I submitted in the Summer competition. Everyone has been really complementary of it... which makes me wonder... are they just being nice{/suspicious voice}? Don't get me wrong, I like this poem. It is definitely the best thing I've ever written. But is it really good? Of course, I don't see it as being all that steamy either (which was a couple of peoples' comments). Like they say, you're always your own worst critic. *smile*

skin to skin
I breathe you in
our heat combines
our bodies mesh
passion takes me higher and higher
I collapse against you
the scent of our passion covers us
skin to skin
I breathe you in

skin to skin
I breathe you in
I no longer know
what part is me
and which part is you
I feel your heart racing
my heart tries to keep up
skin to skin
I breathe you in

Out of sync

Silence is usually taken as agreement. So, let me just say, I don't agree with what's being said.

I am a non-confrontational person. I will keep my mouth shut if I disagree with someone because I don't want to get into a big discussion which may lead to a heated argument. I also don't have enough faith in either myself or other people, that I can disagree with them and still be liked. Being ostracized is one of the things I fear most. If I don't think like you do, will you still like me? I know, that sounds so pathetic, but I really do let other peoples' opinions matter to me that much. I don't have enough faith(read self-esteem) in myself to think people will like me if I dare to speak up, and have a differing opinion. I guess you could also say I don't have enough faith/trust in them to be a big enough person to respect that I see it differently, and for them to not expect me to just be their sheep.

Having said all that, let me just go ahead and step out on this limb...
People need to back up for a minute. You are not paying attention to everything that's being said. It's not all political discussion that's the problem. It's also attitude. It's the spilling over into other forums.
For the last couple of months, I have felt like there has been a real ugly vibe to the forum. People who disagree are mocked and/or insulted. (and let me point out... this happens on both "sides") People who don't participate in the discussions are looked down upon as feeble minded sheep, and if they try to venture into the discussion, are talked to condescendingly.
Does the sight need more moderators? Probably. But are we not all adults, and should be able to moderate our own discussion, without the need for someone else to come in and tell us when we step over the line, though?
I also think the whole "PG13" guideline has been pushed to the edge. But nobody seems to realize that could be part of the problem. And it's not just in the one forum. Which is part of the problem... it's the spillover.

I have so much more I would like to say... but I'm going to cut it short.

So, are you going to reach out your hand and help me back to solid ground, or push me off the limb?

why did I do that?

I think I'm having a panic attack. I let someone talk me into taking a chance, and totally opening up myself to complete ridicule. I am really, REALLY, regretting it now. A friend convinced me that I should enter one of my writings in this competition at the message board we both frequent. So, I did it. Of course, I was still my original chickenshit, and only entered the 1st verse of the poem, because I'm just not satisifed with the 2nd verse yet. But now, I'm wondering why I even did that much??? I know it's not that good. And I know if anyone says anything mean about it, I will be crushed.

one of those days

This has been of the craziest days ever! By the time I left the office tonight, I wasn't capable of maintaining a complete thought...

It's just insane. It is my belief that the federal government does not want providers to ever, EVER understand the Medicare system, and be able to work within it. I usually don't talk about this with people, because one, they really don't want to hear it, and two, unless you deal with it, you won't understand what I'm talking about. (OK, I know... nobody ever understands what I'm talking about anyway - I make no sense, EVER) But anyhoo -- Medicare has had this regulation on the books forever and a day, but have never enforced it... Hell, they haven't even had the system set up for it to be done! But now? Every SNF provider must submit a no-pay claim on any beneficiary who resides in a SNF bed, if Medicare A benefits are not being utilized for said stay. Now this really sucks, because most of our facilities are 100% dually-certified. So, that means they will have to submit a claim on every resident they have (either a pay claim or no-pay). Our software system is set up (finally, after I remembered every thing I was supposed to do) that it's a fairly painless procedure to create this batch of non-pay claims and review them... YEAH, RIGHT! Today, what should be impossible to have happened within the confines of the software, happened. And I know, when ever the software support tech finally gets around to reading my email, she will say, that can't happen, and that she was unable to duplicate the problem, and therefore, can't solve it. (Of course, this will be after she makes me explain the problem at least five times.) And the questions from the bookkeepers???? I get an email today -- 14 no pay claims rejected for overlapping with another provider's processed claim - What do I do? WTH? They're no pay claims! The end result is they will be in a reject status! Who gives a flying frik WHY they rejected? I don't care what reason Medicare gives for rejecting the claim -- I wasn't going to get paid for it anyway! And people want to argue with me about what diagnosis codes to use -- PEOPLE, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! THEY ARE NO PAY CLAIMS! And if you don't like my answer, just say ok, hang up, and do whatever the fuck you want. I mean, hell, I sent you the regulation-- same damn thing I'm reading-- do you see where it specifies any of this shit? No? Then how the hell am I supposed to know, when Medicare doesn't even know? (of course, I could now veer off into how the customer service with our fiscal intermediary actually does know less than I do about Medicare, but I won't.) And don't argue with me about whether a no pay claim should be submitted on a resident on a VA contract. Are they in a Medicare certified bed? Yes? Do they have Medicare A benefits? Yes? Is Medicare A paying for their stay? No? Then you submit a no pay claim! I said that in the first email, or did you think when I said it doesn't matter what their payer source is, if it isn't Medicare A, then you submit a no pay claim, that I meant something totally different?
Oh, and to the person who sent me an email telling me that no, that wasn't what caused the VA contract residents' claims not to pull into the efile -- shut the fuck up. Obviously, you have no clue how our software system works, and I simply don't have the time to explain it to you. And let's be honest, YOU wouldn't understand it anyway. Your email was not helpful, and was in fact, a waste of time. Of course, it did reassure me that I never have to worry about you being a threat to my job. I would really love to tell that person that she could pick from the following reasons as to why what I said was correct: 1) I'm Freda, and I'm always right; 2) I'm just smarter than you; or 3) see #1 and #2.

crazy time

Ugh! I hate this time of month! I don't mean that this time of month, I mean this is always the busy, crazy time at work. I went into the office yesterday morning, after a nice restful 3-day weekend, ready to face the world. By 5:00, I was ready to run screaming into the horizon, never to be seen or heard again.

I complain, but secretly? I thrive on the stress. I'm a problem solver. If there aren't any problems to solve, any fires to put out, I'm bored out of my freaking mind. Of course, it does get pretty damn old having to explain the email I sent out to each person who received it (50+ people). OK, yes, that's a bit of an exaggeration. OK, that's a huge exaggeration. I would say I only had to explain it to maybe 10 people. Of course, I'm sure there are some who haven't read it yet. Or they looked at it, and decided it didn't apply to them. (Yes, I really had someone do that once. She said she read the subject line, and didn't think it pertained to her. I mean after all, I'm forever sending out emails to people who don't need them. *rolls eyes*)

But as much as I really do like the pressure, yesterday was just hellacious. Trying to figure out why something wasn't working in the software, and I went about it all bass-ackwards. Took me nearly all damn day. And the truly sad part was, after I went back and read a particular email, I knew what to do. *laughs at self*

A rant about my ex

Without a doubt, my ex-husband has to be the dumbest man alive. He's the dumbest person alive. UGH!!! I just got off the phone with him, and I could just scream!!!!! I want to ask him so badly, ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID????? But I won't. I will bite my tongue, and be nice. Then I will come here and run him down like the stupid-ass he is.

OK, my son is on probation. He is staying with my parents in another state. The Ex lives in that same state, and is an over-the-road trucker. He has, in the past, taken our son with him in the truck during the summer. But our son is ON PROBATION NOW. Dumb ass doesn't understand why he can't take son out of state with him. I told him last night, that he's on probation, you can't just up and leave... you have to have permission (and I didn't think they would ok it). Quote:"Well, I don't understand why not". Because, dumb-ass, he's on probation... it's part of the terms. "Well, can you call and ask?" OK, fine I will call, even though I already know the effin' answer. So I call. Of course, he can't go. And yes, he would have to have permission ahead of time.

Dumb-ass calls tonight to find out what the answer was. When I told him, he says, "Well, that's just being mean." WTF???? Look, dumb-ass... if you want to see our son, drive your sorry ass to my parents house, take him out fishing at the lake that is right there, maybe 15 miles away from their house, take him out to eat... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE HIM OUT OF THE STATE TO SEE HIM. CAN YOU NOT GET THIS THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?????

You know, I kind almost see having to explain all of this to our son. After all, he's not even 14 yet. (Of course, I really do think he's old enough to understand without me having to go into this, but I will cut him some slack.) But for cripe's sake! The ex is 34 years old. How frikkin hard can it be to understand the whole concept of probation???? FTR, when you do something wrong, you have to pay the consequences. Our son is having to learn this, and suffer the consequences of his actions. It is not the Probation Office's problem that you are such a jackass that you can't be bothered to try to see our son on the weekends when you are home. So, fucking deal with it already!!!!

Geez! What the hell was I thinking all those years ago??? What the hell did I ever see in this jerk, anyway? Sometimes, I feel as if I should apologize to my son for making such a bad decision that resulted in the jackass being his father.

Can you tell that I really don't like this man?

Wanting to say something, but can't

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

This song keeps going through my head. I'm in a bit of a blue funk right now.

Confession

I must confess... I'm jealous. *sigh* I read the blogs of some of the other people, and they are so creative and entertaining. I wish I could be a writer - verse or short stories. I'm just not creative enough. I try sometimes, and it just seems so stilted and forced. Plus, usually, I can find where someone else has said what I wanted to say, and said it so much better than I ever could.

And people who can write full-blown novels? How do they come up with all of that? To be able to create something from nothing... I am in awe of people with talent like that.

I wish I had *some* type of creative talent. I am always amazed at things people do as crafts, or the artistic endeavors.

I've been told that everyone has *some* type of talent. I'm 38 yrs old, and still trying to figure out where my talents lie. I dunno... is being a good listener a talent? I am also good at empathizing, and can usually see both sides of a conflict.

Well, there's a reason I named my blog "Ramblings"... I cannot keep a coherent thought as I try to write. :) Guess that's enough rambling for one setting...

I ask you Why?

Why, when I call to cancel my service, do you refuse to just let me do that? Why do you keep offering me something else? Can you not understand I don't want it???? When I called to cancel my AOL a few months back, I was offered a month free. No, I don't want it, I have switched to another ISP, do you get it already? I've told you three times, I didn't want to go with AOL to start with, I did that for my son. I didn't like, I didn't use any of those wonderful features that you won't stop blathering about, and I DON'T WANT TO USE YOUR SERVICE ANY LONGER.
Why, when I call to cancel my subscription to the newspaper, do you insist on trying to get me to take it for even more days? If I don't have the time or inclination to read your paper on Sunday of all days, why do you think I would have any more time or be any more so inclined to read it on Friday or Saturday?

Why are you asking me why you wanted to see something? I didn't understand why you had a problem with it 3 months ago, and now that the particular documentation has come in, I still don't know why you wanted to see it. If you can't remember, then why would you think I would remember?

Why did you ask somebody else for my IM, and request that I add you to my list, when you never use it? That's like asking for someone's phone number, when you know you have no intention of ever calling. Why do that?

Why? Why? Why?
OK, why am I suddenly sounding like a 3 yr old? Sometimes, people just make my brain hurt.
*off to ponder the meaning of life now* :)

Ms. B has been deprived

I learned today that a co-worker of mine has had a very sad life, and has missed out on one of the greatest joys a person can ever experience. Yes, Ms. B. has never had the ultimate pleasure that a person can only achieve when they eat a fried pie. The living section of the local newspaper had a feature on fried pies today. Upon seeing this article, I exclaimed, "Oh, YUM! That sounds so good." At which point, Ms. B inquired were fried pies good? I was shocked. "You've never had a fried pie?" Her reply was no. I was simply aghast! How could someone grow up in the south, and never have a fried pie? What other things was she deprived of while growing up?

This news saddened me so, and I felt compelled to share this tragedy with two of my co-workers. And then I learned something even more shocking. Ms. D. thought that those nasty things you can purchase at McD's were fried pies. Can you imagine that? To confuse the delectable home-made fried pie with that dry food-type item? I never realized until today how lucky and blessed I was as a child.

Don't it just make you want to cry?

Today's horoscope

Mama mia -- here you go again! Just when you thought you were through with all that silliness about love and romance, a bolt from the blue lands right on your doorstep -- and a mighty cute one, too. Whether you're meeting someone new or just noticing something awfully adorable about the one you're with, the stars promise plenty of hitch in your romantic giddy-yap.


OK, haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary today :(

Karma, fate, whatever, it's a bitch sometimes

I first starting going to a chat room last September (I think it was September). I remember the first time I was in there, 2 of the peeps were talking about flirting online, and how it's not a good idea, etc, and neither of them do that because some people let their emotions get involved. I thought to myself, what kind of loser gets emotionally involved with someone that they haven't actually met?

Well, apparently, I'm that kind of loser. I started flirting with a man, and it was all fun and games for a while, and then, somehow, I started developing feelings for him. Deep feelings. I fell in love. *laughs at self* I laugh, so maybe I won't cry. I love him, and he says he "cares" for me. Unfortunately, we live very far apart, and he doesn't see that as something that could be overcome. I think it could be, if we both really wanted it.

Oh, what is that saying? There is none so blind as won't see. Sometimes I think that's me. I want to believe that this guy could actually love me, and that it could actually be real, so I ignore the signs that say, while he might care about me as a friend, that's all there is to it. But I've asked him before to just tell me point blank that it won't ever happen, and he won't say that. He doesn't want to meet, he won't do phone calls, but he won't tell me it's just not going to ever be more than what it is right now. Maybe he thinks that would hurt me, but as long as he refuses to say it, I will keep hanging on. I tell myself I could move on if he would do that, but honestly, I don't want to move on. I want this. I want my dream to come true. I want that "happy-ever-after" that the fairy tales promise.

I get so angry at the whole situation. Why do I "meet" someone who is everything I want in a mate/lover/?, and he has to be over 800 miles away? It's so unfair. I know, life is unfair. That's just the way it is sometimes. But this? really sucks.

He told me the other night that he is starting to look for someone... I truly hope he finds someone he can love, and will love him. He is a very special person, and deserves to find happiness. If he does find someone, I hope she appreciates how very lucky she is to have him in her life. I just wish it could be me.

Interviewed by Karen

1. If you could be one person (living or dead) for a week, who would you be and why?
After thinking about this, I decided Mother Theresa. Why? Because I would like to experience the true, selfless love she showed for all people. I would like to know what it's like to truly be self-sacrificing, and to be content in doing so. I tend to put others first a lot, but find myself resenting the people at times. And I would like to be able to give freely and completely of myself, and honestly not expect any return.

I also have a shallow answer. Jessica Alba. Young, beautiful and sexy. Who wouldn't want to be like that?

2. If you could re-name yourself, what would your new name be and why?
I would like a name that reflects a different portion of my ancestory. I am of German descent, and my name is German in origin. The meaning of my name is peaceful, which I feel is quite accurate. But if I were to re-name myself, I would choose a name to reflect my Native American heritage. My great-great grandmother was Native American; we believe from the Cherokee tribe. The name I would choose for myself is Ayita, which means first to dance. I am not the best dancer by no means, but I love dancing. So, I feel that this would be quite descriptive of my personality.

3. Think back to your earliest memory...What is it?
I don't remember exactly how old I was, probably around 3. We had horses, and I loved them. I would always go out to the pasture, and pull up some grass and let them eat from my hand. I would walk underneath the belly of the mare. To this day, I don't think any animal has a better scent than that of the horse.

4. Make up a word and tell me what it means.
Cazust. The meaning is absolute, complete, total honesty.

5. If you could travel anywhere in the world for a month (spare no expense - you're not paying), where would you go and why? Would you take me with you? ;)
I have never traveled, so this one is hard for me to narrow down. There are so many places I would want to go see. I want to go to Paris. I want to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower. I'm a romantic at heart, and after all, Paris is the city of lovers. I also want to go to Germany, and go on a tour of the various castles.

And of course I would take you with me! :)
***********************************************************************************************************
Rules for those of you interested in further interviews...
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of my choosing.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. If you don't have a blog, you can post your responses in my comments section.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post, following the same rules.

Is it just me?

Is it just me? Am I just completely naive? I don't understand the reasoning behind lying to someone you have met on the internet about who you are, where you're from etc... OK, I totally understand being cautious, not giving out personal information, because after all, you don't know who is on the other end. But why not just say you don't give out personal information? What purpose does it serve to lie?

I was discussing this with a "face-to-face" friend. She and I both go to this one site to play spades. There is a man that she had become friendly with, and that I talk to, also. He had told us he was living in Arizona. Come to find out, he is actually living in Pennsylvania. His excuse for lying was that he's 50, hurt his back and is on disability, and lives with his parents because of it, and was too embarrassed to say this at first. OK, so I understand not wanting to say you live with your parents when you're 50 years old. But why lie about what state you're in? I don't get it. All this makes me do is now question anything else he has ever said, you know? Again, if you don't want someone to know your true situation, just don't say anything. Is it that hard?

I guess why this frustrates me so much is I take things at face value, for the most part. If you present yourself as a 36 year old person living in New Hampshire (for example), then that's what I accept as the truth. I don't know... am I just too gullible and naive? I know I'm repeating myself, but I really wish someone could explain what these people get out of just completely lying about everything. Unless you're a con or a perv, why lie? Either don't tell me anything, or tell me the truth. It's that simple.

Carey's interview questions for me...

Arkie:
1. What trait (not physical) do you find most important in a mate?
Wow. This is a lot harder to answer that I originally thought it would be. The most important trait in a mate… there are several things, like a good sense of humor, to be trustworthy, to be responsible, to be a good listener, but I guess the most important trait would be that he is considerate.

2. What were you like in high school?
Well, I was a good student (for the most part). I was also a rowdy, loud-mouth, fun-loving person. I could be quite mean at times – I got sent to the principal’s office once for being “ugly” to someone. I definitely was NOT one of the popular kids. I hung out with the dopers, but wasn’t a user (I tried it a couple of times, but it just wasn’t for me).

3. 10 words or less, describe who you are.
Hmmm, who am I, in 10 words? Truthfully, I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I could give you 10 words that describe HOW I am, but not WHO.

4. Would you dump a lover because they were not satisfying in bed?
That would depend. If it was strictly a physical relationship, that I had no plans on being with this person long-term, then yes. And it would also depend on why he wasn’t satisfying – If it was because he didn’t care about my needs, and he was just selfish in bed, then, yes I would dump him. But if it was someone I loved, then no, I wouldn’t dump him for that. I would try to teach him what I needed, plus, the emotions would have a lot to do with it being satisfying.

5. What would be a perfect night for you?
There are several ways a night could be perfect. Just hanging out with people I care about, and having fun would be perfect. A night out dancing is always good. Or a quiet night at home, snuggling up on the couch with the person I love.

=========================================================
The game:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog (if you have one) with the answers to the questions OR you answer them here in the comments if you don't have a blog.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

quiz - what do you need in your life?

You need understanding.
In your life there have been many people that
could never seem to comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an
out-cast because of their narrow minds or you
have adjusted yourself to them, and never
let them see who you are deep inside. You
now think that no one will ever understand you
and you hate that fact. Though you are scared
of what the effects might be if you would
decide to let someone in so you keep a safe
distance that you both curse and bless.


What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

ugh

Taken individually, it's all small stuff. Throw it all at me at once, and major suckage in my life right now.

Last year, I had to have someone come out and work on the A/C unit for upstairs. The guy told me I had a leak somewhere that was letting all the freon out. They would have to run a test that would cost so much, blah, blah, blah, unit is so old, blah, blah, blah, just really go ahead and replace it, blah, blah, blah. He puts more freon in, tells me he can't guarantee how long it will last, and I should start calling to get quotes on a replacement. Well, it got me through the rest of the summer just fine. But earlier this spring, I decided I should go ahead and replace it before it got too hot. Except for one thing. I had a total brain fart, couldn't remember if it was the upstairs or downstairs unit that was needing replaced, and replaced the downstairs unit (which was going to need it anyway, but still...). So, Wednesday night, I go upstairs to bed around 12:00, and it's very warm up there. I have the A/C on, the thermostat set to 70, but it's 80 degrees. I put my hand up under the vent, and that is sooooo not cold air coming out. I turn off the unit because it's probably froze up outside. Now, I have to call around and either get someone to put more freon in, but how long will that last? or go ahead and replace it. Or the third option, which is not really that much of an option, is don't have A/C upstairs this summer. Just sleep downstairs on the couch. So that's suckage number one.

Suckage number two: I made a decision that everyone tells me will be for the best in the long run, but it's making me miserable right now.

Suckage number three: I washed a load of jeans the other day, but forgot to put them in the dryer. Last night, I was going to do that, but they were starting to smell and needed re-washed. I start the washer right before I go to bed, with the intent of throwing the load in the dryer as soon as I got up this morning. I come down to realize that I forgot to close the lid, so the machine couldn't finish running through the cycle.

Suckage number four: I had a dream about my car this morning. I hate having dreams about my car, because whatever went wrong in the dream will make me paranoid for a few days about driving it. This dream, whenever I would turn on the car, the dash would have a little flame shooting out. Plus the dream mechanic told me my muffler was bad (this bothers me, because in reality, I just had the muffler worked on).

Suckage number five: Work is getting crazy. I have been assigned to collect one facility's past due Medicare Part A (over $200k), four facilities' Medicare Part B (unsure of total, but it's all old, and there's a lot of garbage to sift through on their agings), still working on credit balances for yet another facility, and then we have our accu-check project, phase two, starting up. Plus, I feel I really need to go to Texas and have a meeting with those 5 bookkeepers because they are really seeming to be having difficulties lately. And this is just NOT a good time because of everything else on my plate at work.

Like I said, not one big thing, but several sucky little things, and it's just starting to be a little overwhelming.

Memphis in May

So...
Jessica & Joseph didn't come to the Memphis in May festival. He couldn't wait to meet her, so he came down the weekend before. He decided not to continue the relationship. Jessica didn't want to go to Memphis without him because she just wouldn't enjoy herself.

Things work out the way they do, and sometimes it turns out better because of the unexpected. When the whole MIM trip came up, I didn't want to go. J&J talked me into it. I started to get excited about it. So I was upset, to put it mildly, that the plans all fell apart. If I hadn't already planned to meet up with one of my online friends who was coming for the festival, I wouldn't have gone. I am so glad I did.

I got to finally meet Stephanie face-to-face. She and I have "talked" through e-mails, chat rooms, IM, and the message board for a long time. I was nervous about actually meeting her, but it was great! You know how sometimes you will meet someone, and it's like you've known them forever? You just pick right up in conversation, and you can totally be yourself, and not the 'polite' version of yourself that you present to strangers? That's how it was with Stephanie. We just clicked so well. I'm laughing to myself, just thinking about this weekend, and how much fun I had. There were no reservations or being guarded when I was with Steph. We both felt comfortable enough to get drunk, to make smart-ass remarks to each other, and to just be ourselves. Well, except for one thing. Steph stayed in the hotel room with me, because I had a room with 2 beds, and I did pretend to possess some sense of modesty, and refrained from just stripping off my clothes in front of her. If she hadn't gotten in the shower when she did Friday night, that false act of modesty wasn't going to last much longer, LOL. And I even got dressed in the frikkin' bathroom Saturday morning. And I hate getting dressed in the bathroom after I take my shower. Normally, I will go and sit on my bed, and finish drying off, and then get dressed, but I didn't want her to think I was a total exhibitionist.

The festival was a blast, and Beale Street is amazing! It started raining (HARD!) Friday afternoon, and I looked like a drowned rat. The park turned into just a giant mud-pit. But I didn't care. It was one of the best times of my life. I got to see Bowling for Soup, and then after the rains came in, we just hung out in the blues tent. I haven't listened to a lot of blues acts before this, so it was all new to me. But I really enjoyed Popa Chubby, and then I got introduced to the music of Tommy Castro. Wow. That's all. Wow. Saturday, we went to BB King's bar, and a few drinks, and happened to run into another of Stephanie's online friends. We met up with him and a couple of his friends at the festival that night, and I got to meet another online poster, Sheila, who is a very nice woman. I got to see Spin Doctors, Little Feat, Jonny Lang (who is absolutely fucking amazing!), and I watched a little of Nelly's show, and a little of The Killers show. I had gotten separated from the group on our way to the stage where Jonny was playing, so I was by myself for that show. The funniest thing happened (at least it's funny in my opinion) to me after towards the end of the show. So, I'm in the crowd by myself, and every once in a while I would look around to see if I could spot Steph, Greg, Sheila or anyone else in the group. I happened to look over to my left, and there are these two guys standing, maybe 15-20 feet away from me. One of them is looking at me. I look away, and then about 5 minutes later, I notice they have moved closer. The crowd is starting to thin out, so I'm looking around more, to see if I can spot any Steph or anyone else. A couple of minutes later, these two guys are even closer, about 5 feet away. I figure it's time to move on, and see if I can get a better signal on my phone, so I can call Steph, and see where she's at. Before I leave, one of these guys comes up to me, and says he wants to tell me I have a very pretty belly. I say, "what?" and he repeats it. I'm thinking he's being a smart-ass or something. (I am a plus-size woman, and I am rather self-conscious about it. Besides, I've heard of men being an "ass-man" or a "boob-man", but the belly??) So, I say, OK, thanks, and walk off. I walk about 100 feet away, where there weren't very many people around, and try to use my phone. I'm standing there, waiting on Steph to answer, and I look around, and this guy and his friend have walked on past me about another 30-40 feet, and are both just standing there, and this guy is looking at me again. Well, Steph answers, I find out where she's at, and tell her I'm headed that way. I hang up the phone, take maybe 5 steps, and this guy has come up to me again. He asks if he offended me by saying that. He then proceeds to tell me that his last girlfriend weighed 386 pounds (and let me interject here -- first? 386? not 380, not 385, but 386? who doesn't round off to the nearest 5 when discussing weight? second? what, do I look like I weigh that much? OK, yes, I'm big, but I'm not that big), and that she carried it all in her stomach. And he meant it, I have a very pretty belly. And he wanted to make sure I wasn't offended because he meant it as a compliment. So, I said, no I'm not offended, and thank you. And I said it a lot nicer than I did the first time. Then I walked off. When I told one of my friends about this, she asked "did you get his number?" Uh, NO. "Well, did you get his?" Again, NO. Am I the only person who doesn't give out her phone number to complete strangers? I mean, I guess I could have talked and flirted a little with this guy, but ya know? sometimes you run into complete, total nutjobs. He may have been a perfectly nice guy, but I just play it safe.

So, to sum it all up -- This was a fantastic weekend, and I am so glad I went.

*sigh* I'm old...

My son made me feel real old this past week. He pointed out his mustache to me. My baby is only 13, and he has a mustache growing in! Ack! And he is shaving. My baby is growing up, which means I must be getting older, *grin*.

musings

How many people see themselves the way others do? And who has the more accurate view?

I recently reconnected with an old friend. She was telling me (she likes to psycho-analyze a bit much) that she thinks I don't let people ever see my real personality, that I always hold back. And maybe I do, but it always seems when I finally let someone in, that's when they leave.

I keep getting told that I'm this really nice person, with a big heart, etc, and I just need to be more self-confident. I'm also told that I'm cute, attractive, whatever, and that is my response, whatever... If I was so damn great, I wouldn't be sitting at home by myself every weekend, now would I? But that's because I'm too picky (so says my friend). *chuckle*

It's just strange... I mean, I don't think it's lack of self-confidence. I'm just a realist. I accept that I'm not the smartest person (but I am definitely not the dumbest either), and if people really know just how arrogant I can be, they would never accuse me of lacking in self-esteem.

Of course, to contradict myself, I think I'm starting to get a complex, lol. I was recently talking to someone about my tattoo, and why I got it, etc, and I mentioned my ex-husband, and the baggage that, after 12 years, I am finally shedding. She asked me why we divorced, did he cheat on me? Why do people assume that he cheated on me? When we first split, his mother made that assumption, too. It never occurred to me that it was even a possiblity that he was cheating. Of course, looking back, I do kind of wonder if he did. I sometimes want to ask him if he did, but I think he would lie, even after all this time.

Well, I did it

I got my tattoo...

Rut Roh!

Not so sure that I have done a good thing with Jessica and Joseph.
Jessica: I love him. I hate him. He's so sweet. He's a manwhore.

And Joseph is starting to come off as nuts! When I got up this morning, I had an email from him, begging me to talk to Jessica. "She hates me. It's going to push me over the edge." Then, he calls me at work (had to leave a voice mail, I was on another line), "call me, let me know Jessica got to work ok, I'm worried. Unless you hate me, too."

Me: WTF have I done? I have agreed to go to the Memphis in May Music festival with these two. I will be trapped in a car with these two for 3 hours one way!!!

Yay! I did it!

I managed to get Jessica and Joseph together! Damn, I'm good.

Right now, I am just one big puddle of goo. Joseph sent me an email, thanking me, and it was so beautiful (the sentiment he expressed), that I just wanted to cry. I told Jessica it's one thing for a man to tell you he loves you, and how important you are to him, but for him to tell other people about it, WOW.

*sigh* ain't love grand...

When did I become the source for advice for the lovelorn?

I find this very strange.

My friend, J, has met a couple of guys online at a game website. She's really into both of them. She keeps asking me for advice. She convinced me to come to the website to play cards with her, and has "introduced" me to her guys. Now, in addition to J asking me for advice on the relationships, and what should she do, one of the guys has started talking to me, wanting my advice and opinion on this relationship.

What really makes this whole thing bizarre, is they are asking someone who hasn't been in a relationship of any type for almost 13 years. And the last relationship I was in, was not a very good one. So, WHY would anyone take my advice?

It really sucks. J is my friend, and I feel that my first loyalty should be to her. But I really feel bad for the guy who is asking me for help. She thinks he's a total player, and doesn't trust him. But she's the one who has lied to him already, and keeps playing head games with him. She says she really loves this one, but feels more comfortable with the other. I hate that she is hurting Joseph. And she is hurting him. She doesn't think she is, but I know what he tells me.

UGH!!!!

Even more bizarre to me is I am actually taking the man's side in this. How the hell did that happen??? I never take the man's side. And yet, in this instance, I just would like to smack Jessica, and tell her to either commit to Joseph, or let him go. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. No one deserves to be treated like this. To have someone just toy with you, and keep you on a string, is just horrible.

What is it that brings people together?

I see other people with their close, intimate friendships, and I wonder how do you get there? What is it that makes people care about each other? And more importantly, why don't I have it? Yes, I know people care about me, but I feel it's always more of the transient type friendship. If tomorrow I dropped off the face of the earth, it would be no big deal. I might be missed for a few days, but then forgotten. What is it about me that keeps me from having deeper relationships?

Now what am I going to do Friday nights?

Well, our bowling season is over. Surprisingly enough, our team did not end up in last place. Next to last, yeah, but NOT last.

For your amusement, here is documented proof that I have to be the world's worst bowler. Yep, these really are my bowling scores.
Week 1... 62 79 96
Week 2... 111 60 78
Week 3... 73 65 87
Week 4... 60 89 52
Week 5... 55 73 62
Week 6... 99 89 75
Week 7 - I was sick, and didn't bowl
Week 8... 74 89 89
Week 9... 109 82 73
Week 10... 76 70 62

So very, very sad, huh?

Unmotivated

I have the perfect job. This job was tailor made for me. Hell, I even helped create the position, and come up with the job duties. I work for a wonderful company that has really taken care of me. I make pretty decent money, and have good benefits, and 4 weeks of paid vacation a year. So, why am I screwing around and risking losing this job? I go in the office every day, and allow myself to get further behind in my tasks. I am better than this, so why the hell don't I act it?

I love my job. I know most people would think working with Medicare billing would be just one big bore, and to be honest, sometimes it is. But there's such a kick in being able to take a claim that no one else seems to be able to get processed, and BAM! In two weeks, we have our money because of ME. I love seeing the past due amounts get smaller and smaller. I love the challenge of having to play their "game", and winning.

So, how do you motivate yourself, when you have almost let something get out of hand. I am so far behind, that sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I can't even decide where to start.

No. Such an easy word to say, right? Come on, say it with me. No. That was easy, wasn't it? So why can't I ever say it when that's what I mean? I'm thinking No, but Yes comes out of my mouth. Ugh!

Because of this inability to say such a simple word (say it with me again, Noooo), I have found myself once again agreeing to give up my Sunday afternoons for a few months to keep score for our company's softball team. I think this is going to be my fourth year to be the scorekeeper. After the first year, I said I wasn't going to do that anymore because I really didn't like having to make the committment for every week for so long. And each time, the guy heading it up comes to my office, asks if I will do it again, and before I know it, this phrase has come out of my mouth: "Sure, I'd be glad to!" Last year, they even roped me into playing a game. Again, I wanted to say "No", but they were going to have to forfeit the game because they wouldn't have enough players. And considering some of the players had drove over an hour just to play, I agreed to do it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am - shall we say? - out of shape. So out of shape, that I can't run very fast at all. I could get a hit, but was always thrown out at first. Plus, I can't catch, and they played me as catcher. I don't want to get hit by the ball, so I usually move out of the way. Not a good way to play if you're the catcher. Oh yeah, and I can't really throw the ball either. I have horrible aim. Always have had.

So, now I'm off to practice saying No. Maybe I will be able to actually put it to use the next time someone asks me to do something I really don't want to do. Actually, I have to go to the office for a little while. One of the tech guys asked me if I could come in over the weekend to download and e-mail to him the files that I do every Monday morning because he wants to take care of them Sunday night. Again, "Sure, not a problem!"

No. Non. Nein. Nyet. não. Geen. 不. Ingen. la. So many ways to say it, so maybe I can start to use one of them.

Do-over

Today just sucks. I want a do-over.

Question for the day: Is it a good thing that a male friend/co-worker feels comfortable enough with me to ask if it's "that time of the month" when I tell him that I am just in a "mood"?

Yay me!

I had an appointment with my doctor Tuesday, for a follow up on my diabetes and high blood pressure. Since my last visit in August, I have lost 23 pounds. I had lost 7 pounds on that visit, so, since July, I have lost 30 pounds! My blood pressure was better, too.

Someone at work commented that she could tell I was losing weight. I am so happy that it is finally starting to be noticeable.

So, 30 down, and ### to go. What? Did you really think I would say just how much I really need to lose? Let's just say it's a lot, and leave it at that. :)

Tattoo?

*deep breath*

I'm taking the plunge... After years of wanting one, but being afraid of the pain, I am going to get a tattoo! I will go this evening to meet with the artist to hopefully convey what it is I want. I want a pegasus, on my right shoulder blade. It can't look too cartoon-y, but not evil and mean, either. I want it rearing up, with an awesome wing span. I'm not sure about the color. The guy I talked to Monday night, said they couldn't do white (that was the picture I showed him), but that they could do it with blues and it would have a white appearance. He suggested going with a grey tattoo, but that's not what I want. I want it colored, I just don't know how much color I'm comfortable with. I just hope I can explain to the artist what I want.

My life is turning into a soap opera

I dodged one bullet, but I don't know how to dodge the second one.

A week ago, I had went out to dinner with some friends to celebrate two of them getting married. Everything's great, the food is good, the champagne is flowing, and one of the men says we should celebrate more often. Well, it's not every day that someone gets married, and someone said something to that effect. Everyone then looks at me, since I was the only single one at the table. I throw up my hands, say find me someone, and we'll celebrate!

Why, oh why, didn't I engage the brain before speaking?

Apparently, this is the opening that one of the women has been waiting for. She has the "perfect man" for me. It's her brother, who lives in Florida. Oh, wow. I tell her sure, I'd love to meet him. (Kicking myself ever since those words came out of mouth.) Then she proceeds to tell me all about him. Lessee, he's not that attractive (ok), he's tall and skinny (all right), and he's missing a front tooth (slams on brakes!). I'm sorry, call me shallow, but this is a real issue for me. He's been married before. His wife left him for a woman she met on the internet. He's totally mold-able (huh?), I can make him into whatever I want. (So I can turn him into Brad Pitt, Mark McGrath or Rob Thomas? Cool!) He just wants to be married. That's what he wants more than anything. And he likes big women. (This is repeated to me 4 times. Am I supposed to be grateful at this point? And who said anything about marriage? Oh, wait, I may have given that impression, but whoa!) She will fly him up here to meet me. And the whole distance thing? Not a problem - he would be glad to move. (Warning! Warning, Will Rogers! Danger! Danger! RUN LIKE HELL!)

She calls me a couple of days later to talk further about the possibility of me meeting her brother, and says she would like for me to let him stay at my house while he's here. (WTF????) She can bring him up here for a weekend or a whole week. But if he comes for the week, he will probably lose his job. But that's ok, she doesn't think he's really enthused with that job anyway. (Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Give me a man who doesn't care if he's unemployed or not! Whoo, Baby! I am so there! Ok, you do recognise that this is sarcasm, right?) She also mentions that she has agreed to pay him $1000 if we don't hit it off. I'm in shock over the whole inviting him to sleep at my house. (Hello? total stranger? I don't think so!) But I do have enough presence of mind to say I don't think the whole week would be good.

Thursday night, she brings me a picture of him. You are not going to believe this. Dude looks like someone took my oldest brother, and one of my cousins, and combined their features. Not that this is a bad thing, but I can't date someone who looks like I'm related to them. I just can't. Ew, ew, ew! I tell my friend this, that her brother looks too much like my brother for me to go for that. I also tell her that I am just not comfortable with having him stay at my house. She says we can talk more about that later. At this point, I do not want to meet this guy at all. Period. End of subject. Because I am a total woose (wuse?), I don't tell my friend this. Instead, I wait and talk to her boyfriend, who happens to work at the same office as me. He talks to her, then Saturday, she tells me that she & BF discussed it, and maybe it would be better if the brother and I talk on the phone before she brings him up here. *phew, big sigh of relief!*

He has already called me 3 times. Monday, I wasn't home, so he left a voice mail. Tonight, he called, we talked some - but I'M SICK! AND I TOLD HIM THIS! DOES HE SHUT UP AND LET ME GO? NO! HE KEEPS TALKING! He gets another call, asks he if can call me back. Sure, why the hell not? I'M JUST SICK AND NEED TO GO TO SLEEP IS ALL! So he calls back. (Be still, my beating heart.) He asks me what are some of the things I like to do. Hmmm, reading, bowling, and the internet. He starts asking what websites I go to, and what my screen name is. Excuse me? I'm not telling you where to find me. Finally, after I say I'm sick for about the 10th time, I tell him I really am not feeling well and need to go. He asks if he can call me tomorrow.

I've got to get caller ID.

Personality traits

It's funny, but there are certain personality traits that I possess, that when I see them in other people, that are just down-right annoying. In the other person, that is.

For example, I can be just a little pushy. I know this, and I do try to keep it reined in. But pushiness in other people gets on my last nerve. Saturday night, I was at a get-together at a co-worker's house, and another co-worker was being so pushy. She was telling our hostess where to set the food, started moving stuff around, telling the host how to grill the shish kebobs, etc. It was horrible! Later that evening, I was apologizing once again to another co-worker for not inviting her to my "fun party" that I had thrown Thursday night, and explaining that I thought she would have been offended at the whole concept of the fun party. I didn't invite anyone without first checking with 3 or 4 other people if they thought the potential invitee would come to this type of party, or would be absolutely horrified at the thought. Well, pushy woman butts into the conversation, and says, "WE didn't want to invite people who would be ....." I cut her off there. There was no "We" to it. It was my party, if I offended anyone, then I'm sorry.

But the sheer ballsy-ness of her! Surely, I'm not that annoying when I'm being pushy. Ha ha!

my favorite e.e. cummings poem

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

Friday night bowling

Well, tonight begins 10 weeks of public humiliation. That's right, our bowling league season kicks off tonight. My team, the Lucky Strikes, will be the fun team, which is just as well, cuz we sure aren't the good team. LOL. We have matching shirts for this season - from Big Dog - the back says "Grab your balls and let's go bowling". I forgot to replace the tiara from last year that we would pass around for being the Gutter Ball Queen. I hope I will be able bowl better and have a higher score than in the 70's. Maybe if I spent more time concentrating on my game instead of food and booze - nah, scratch that, bring more booze!

Update: I still suck at bowling, but damn we had fun. LMAO. Jessica fell twice, and I had my camera with me! Then for some unknown reason, we all started taking pictures of each others butt. Can't wait to get the film developed tomorrow (actually, later this morning). Will post some of the pics then.

faith

I think I am having a bit of a crisis in my faith. I just don't know if what I believe is right, or if I should explore other options. I guess the crux of the matter is, when following what your particular religion teaches leads to personal unhappiness, do you continue to follow your beliefs and be unhappy, or do you disregard that teaching?

My situation relates to divorce, and the "acceptable" reasons for divorce. What I have been taught through the church (brought up as a Baptist), is that there is one reason, and one reason only for divorce. That is adultery. If you divorce for any other reason, and then re-marry, you are then committing adultery. If your spouse remarries after you divorced them, then you have caused them to commit adultery. So, in my case, adultery was not the reason. To my knowledge, my ex-H never cheated on me. And even if I was to find out that he did, in fact, cheat on me, that still wasn't why I divorced him, so it wouldn't count. So, I have to bear the burden of I have caused him to commit adultery when he remarried. Plus, I can never remarry.

Am I really supposed to be alone for the rest of my life, because I made a bad judgment, and married someone that I could not spend the rest of my life with? I've had this discussion with other people before, but I never feel like they have ever offered any proof that it would not be considered a sin to do otherwise. My friend Pat had told me that God doesn't want us to be unhappy, and that no woman should have to take being beaten or anything (ftr, my ex never beat me, he only slapped me twice). My ex-MIL told me that the Bible also says that a man who doesn't take care of his family is worse than a dog, and that I shouldn't refuse to ever re-marry - that I should not be alone for the rest of my life. Which is great, but show me where I won't be sinning if I do that.

Which brings me to my other dilemma. Part of my religious upbringing has taught me that all sins can be forgiven, but once forgiven, you are to not commit that sin again (or at least try to resist the temptation). But, if remarrying would be committing adultery, but I did it anyway, and I asked forgiveness, then wouldn't staying married to the 2nd husband be committing adultery again and again? It would appear that the marriage would cause a perpetual sin.

Not that any of this really matters (other than the whole causing my ex to commit adultery - Oh, just thought of another question on that - am I responsible for each act of adultery for his multiple remarriages, or only the first remarriage?), it's not like I have any prospects of remarriage any time soon, anyway. I just would like to know if I should ever even be open to the possibility of it.