I give up

I abso-fucking-lutely give up. Apparently, I am not to have a car that isn't a piece of shit. I know life is not easy, it's not supposed to be easy, but does it have to be a total shitfest?

What's a weekend without a quiz or 2?

You Are 52% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity a fair amount. You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take. Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need. But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"! Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance a fair amount. You are open to new cultures, beliefs, and ideas. You have very few prejudices that you're aware of. And while you are tolerant, you do stand true to what you believe.

The Five Factor Values Test

3/1/06

The city baseball club has started their spring practices. One of the baseball parks is in front of my subdivision. It really makes me miss arkieboy when I drive by it in the evenings on my way home from work, and see the kids out there playing. Arkieboy loved playing baseball, and played for 4 years before he moved back to Arkansas. He wasn't a star player, but oh! the passion he had for baseball. I don't know what happened to change that. It's as if he just woke up one morning, and wasn't interested any more. But it just seems strange not to be taking him to practice, and to the games. It's strange how certain things become so linked with your memories, when others don't. Walking past his bedroom each day doesn't affect me nearly as much as driving past the baseball fields.

just some quizzes

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt. And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting. Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt. And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

Where is a 5# can of coffee when you need it?

Just some stuff

As some of you already know, and for those who don't, I totally suck at bowling. Well, I have to brag on myself. Friday night, I bowled a 140 for my first game, and a 154 for the third game! I know, you're probably thinking "that's not so great. Why are you bragging about that?" Well, two weeks ago, I bowled a 76, 74, and 65. Which was my worst week ever. I have had worse games, I think, but never that bad for all three. Last week, I bowled a 101, 124, and 101. After that night, my cumulative average for the season was 85. So I was able to bowl over my average by 55 and 69 pins. *pats self on back* (The second game was back to normal - I bowled an 84. *shrugs*)

I've been bringing my camera with me to the bowling alley for the last couple of weeks. I love taking candid shots of everyone. Actually I hope for really BAAAD shots, so I can tease the folks with them, and do fun things with the photos. Of course, whenever I make the mistake of laying the camera down, they try to do the same to me and delete some of the ones of themselves. Naturally, I delete most of the pics of me. But here's one I kept:










This is me and my bowling team:






















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I haven't written any of my poetry lately (not that it's really poetry, but I'm not sure what else to call it). I can't write to just write. I don't know how people do that, you know? I envy that ability. For me, I have to really be feeling something - going through some kind of emotional rollercoaster. And I haven't been feeling anything lately. And if I do feel something, I have to write it right then if it's going to be written. If I wait a couple of hours, I can't do it. I've tried in the past, and it comes out so stilted when I do that. I get so frustrated sometimes, because I just can't come up with the words to express what I'm feeling. I feel like sometimes that I'm repeating what I've already written, but I can't come up with the interesting turns of phrases that are different. Which is what separates me from the truly talented, I suppose.
*************************************************************************
I'm getting bored with my life. I need something in it. I just don't know what. I feel like I'm stagnating. I'm burnt out as far as work goes. There have been so many mornings lately, that when I wake up, I wish I had a stomach virus just so I could legitimately call in. I had rather spend the day puking my guts out than go in and do the same old thing over and over. I even regretted getting a flu vaccination this year, because if I had come down with the flu, I could have been off work for a few days. I just don't think that's a good mindset to be in, but I don't know what to do to change it.

I think it's funny...

Ever have one of those moments, when you see or hear something that you think is absolutely hysterical, and you want to share it with someone? But then you try to think of who would think it's as funny as you do. And you're just not sure. Everyone else may think it's disgusting and gross, and that you must be some kind of no-class skank. Never had one of those moments? Hmph, must just be me, then.

I was in Spencer's, looking for some Happy Bunny stuff, and walked past the Bad Taste Bears display. I had bought one of the BTB's for Carey, I think for her birthday this past year, but I don't remember which one. Anyway, I saw this:

I wanted to buy it and send it to someone so very badly, but I just don't know who, other than myself, would actually think it's funny. Of course, if I had a certain someone's address from the other place, he would be getting this.

Edited to add the official website for Bad Taste Bears.

http://www.badtastebears.com/

Baby George

Be my Valentine?

So MM & Jen are valentines, and Nutz has claimed MTW...
so, who wants to be my valentine?

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone. A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people Your flirting style: 100% natural What turns you off: serious relationship talks Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

*boggle* this is the exact opposite of me.

It’s overshare time with arkie!

I'm sorry that I posted advance notice about this entry. I get this feeling that some of you have some expectation of an entertaining post now. But if you do? What the hell are you thinking? I'm arkie! I don't make entertaining or insightful posts! Get real!

MTW’s post about scheduling scrumping inspired this, sort of. It also is influenced by the “how we met” stories. I had commented on MTW's post that my ex and I went from once or twice a day to eventually once every two months. It would hit me that we hadn’t had sex in so long, and then half-way through, I would remember why I didn’t care.

When K and I met, I was not a virgin. I had my wild spell in high school and college, but had not dated or anything for around a year before meeting K. I don’t know if you could call it dating – but we did whatever it was for a couple of months. I was working at the local nursing home when we met. One of my co-workers – her husband had a band, and they had come out to play for the residents. K was staying with one of the guys and his wife, and was helping haul everything in, and set it up. I thought he was cute, so I asked my friend to set us up. This was in November. I assumed K was the same age as me (22). B’s band was playing at a club New Year’s Eve, and the plan was for K & I to meet there for our date. But there was a change in plans, because the owner said he couldn’t let K in on NYE because he wasn’t 21. But he would go ahead and let him in the next night. I now make the assumption that K is 20. OK, 2 years younger than me. I can handle that. The next night, he’s there, we talk some (not much – the band was really loud). We ride back to DA with B, and K & I kiss some.

I would go over to the trailer that he was staying at, and we would kiss some, but we couldn’t go any further because at that time, he didn’t have a bedroom (the other bedroom in the trailer didn’t have any furniture), and there was nowhere for us to go, because I was still living with my parents. The couple he was staying with finally put a bed in the other room – I guess they were tired of our make-out sessions on the couch. I think it was in February that we had sex for the first time. He proposed right afterwards, while we were laying there cuddling. Perhaps two or three weeks later, he moved back to LR, but was planning on moving back to DA. I drove up to see him a few times, and had met his mother and step-father. It was during this first meeting, when his mother mentioned his birthday coming up, that I finally found out how old he really was. He would be turning 18 that year. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me right then. I was sleeping with a 17 year old! Gah! My mind was racing. If I had found this out before we slept together, it would have never progressed any further after that. But, because of various twisted issues I have regarding sex and morality, I felt like it was too late to go back now.

After K moved back to DA, we would see each other every night. And we were scrumping every night. Sometimes I would go see him on my lunch break, and we would have a quickie. After a few months, he asks me to marry him again. I say yes (what was I thinking???), and we set a date, September something or other. *shrugs* It was the first weekend, and I think we got married on Saturday. But it could have been Friday. A couple of nights before the wedding, he says he doesn’t want us to sleep together from then until the wedding, so the wedding night will be special. I thought that was kind of sweet, and agreed. After the wedding, which was at my parents house, and had no guests other than my parents, his mother and step-father, his grandmother, my brother and sister, his brother and sister, his aunt and uncle, and the couple that fixed us up, and maybe one of his friends, instead of leaving so we could have our “honeymoon”, K wanted to stay and ride the 4-wheeler and hang out. I finally get him to agree to leave, but by then, it was too late for us to drive to Heber Springs, which is where we had planned to stay. We end up staying in a nasty, sleazy motel in the town 30 miles away from DA. K had stopped at a gas station and got a corn dog or a chili dog, and ended up being sick all night. I had to keep running out to the gas station to try to find something that would make him feel better. Some men can be such babies when they’re sick. He was too sick for scrumping. I woke up once during the night to discover he was watching porn on the TV.

After we were married, our sex life slowed down considerably. We would be intimate maybe 2-3 times a week, which turned into once a week, which turned into once every two weeks.

K had major hang ups about sex that did not surface until after we were married. I am (was?) a moaner and screamer, and would also talk real dirty while scrumping. After we were married, K informed me that the dirty talk was such a turn off to him. He also shared the tidbit that I needed to be quiet during sex, because someone might hear us. I was also instructed to keep my legs flat on the bed, because someone might see my leg through the curtain if I raised my leg, and figure out we were having sex. If we ever went doggy style, we had to be VERY careful of our position on the bed, in relation to the windows. Needless to say, the lights were ALWAYS out.

One night, we were sitting on the couch, fooling around, and it was going to lead to scrumping. K wanted to go back to the bedroom, but I wanted to stay in the living room, and do it on the floor. Well, first he had to pin the curtains closed, because someone might somehow see through that 1/16th of an inch slit between them. Then he had to close off the spare bedroom door, because someone might see in that window, into the living room where we were. Next was putting something over the window on the front door (which had a sheer curtain and frosted glass), and making sure it was completely covered. By the time he got all this done, I was no longer in the mood. Oh yeah, I almost forgot this, because it really makes all of this make sense – we lived in a trailer that was on an alley. It was very rare for anyone to ever drive down it. And because it was propped up, and the windows were high, there was no way anyone could have seen in the bedroom window, around the doorway, onto the floor in the living room.

In addition to turning him off by talking dirty, there were a couple of other things that were total mood killers for him. One was if I were to ask for any assistance in “getting there” after he was finished. And he was always finished before me. I had started faking it for a while, to save his ego, but eventually I got tired of that. The other thing I did that he didn’t care for was acting interested in sex as soon as he came home from work.

It got to the point that if we did have sex, it would have to be in the bathroom (because he would always wait until the morning, after I had my shower). We had to be in the bathroom, because after all, during the day, someone might see through the curtains in the bedroom.

A little background info – the trailer had one of those crank-out windows in the bathroom, that was probably 6-8 inches wide, and 3 inches tall. The bottom of the tub was probably 3 inches higher than the floor. Standing in the tub, the window was level with my shoulder.

This window had to be closed, and the door shut, when we had sex, because someone might drive down the alley, and see through the window on the front door, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Or somehow see through that window. Plus, as I had mentioned, this would be after I had my shower, so it was hot and humid in there. The last time we were together, only two things were going through my mind - wishing he would hurry up and finish and wondering how offended he would be if I were to start brushing my teeth while he was still at it.

Until being with my ex, I never believed there was such a thing as “bad” sex. Actually, it was worse than bad, it was BORING. When I left him, my thoughts regarding sex was basically I would rather not ever have sex again than to be with someone who had no regard whatsoever for my feelings or satisfaction.

I'm sorry I made you think there would be something of interest here. *smooch*

Oh, just remembered something else! I did not hear this myself, it was reported to me by his second ex-wife. After all that, and after his 2nd marriage ended, one night the nighttime DJ of one of the most popular radio stations in Arkansas had posed the question of why do women turn into ice queens after you marry them? K had the nerve to call in and say that it had happened to him twice. That the sex was hot, blah, blah, blah, before marriage, but as soon as we were married, both of his ex-wives turned into major Ice Queens.

watch this space

I'm working on an entry, but I keep rambling, losing my place in my story, and forgetting something that I was going to say. As soon as I can get it done, I will post it.

Until then, let me leave you with this little bit of wisdom:
If your thong doesn't feel right, stop long enough to check it. You may have somehow put it on sideways. *grin*

Nutz tagged me

Four Things

Four jobs I've had:
1. Bookkeeper
2. Nurse's Aide
3. Laundry Aide
4. Billing Manager

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Old Yeller
2. Ever After
3. Die Hard
4. Pirates of the Caribbean

Four Places I have lived:
1. Austin, Arkansas
2. Cherokee Village, Arkansas
3. Sheridan, Arkansas
4. Franklin, Tennessee

Four Shows I love:
1. Charmed
2. Big Brother
3. Reba
4. Law & Order: SVU

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest: (I cannot think of any I detest, so I will just list highly-touted shows that I have never watched or just couldn't get into.
1. Lost
2. Nip/Tuck
3. CSI
4. ER

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:
Sorry, no answer.

Four places I have vacationed:
1. Silver Dollar City, Missouri
That's it... I have never actually had a vacation anywhere else. I usually just go see my parents or stay home when I take vacation.

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Khaeng Phed
2. Lasagna
3. Shrimp Scampi
4. Chile Rellano

Four sites I visit daily:
1. RTVW
2. Blogger
3. Yahoo
4. bbwpersonalsplus

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. a Spa
2. the beach
3. in bed
4. getting a manicure/pedicure

And I'm tagging:
1. MTW
2. Zombie
3. Weltek
4. Coco

Huh.

I'm just a little pissed now. OK, I know that the sig pic was created as a joke/payback. But it's still my damn sigpic! But now someone else has the same damn sigpic. Dammit, he made it for me, and now he's made it for someone else, too?











I know this is childish, but sig pics, IMO, should not be copied over with just a name change, unless it's for a special occasion (like Syren did with the pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness). When I make one for someone, I try to make it personal and unique. Not some cookie cutter where you just plug in their name. The least he could have done was change the order of the pics, or use a different color and/or style for the font.

*snort*

We are playing a prank on someone at work. Photo Shop is a wonderful thing, and I am so jealous of peeps who know how to work the program.

so

Work has been pissy. I am getting fed up with a few things. For one, I am tired of people totally disregarding what I say. There is a report that has to be submitted to CMS every quarter. And every quarter, someone is late getting it to me. I requested that it be sent to me so that I had it by the 20th. Two people waited until the 19th to mail it. Why the fuck would you do that? WHY? And it's not like this is just some minor report that is not important... If you don't submit it, then CMS cuts off the cash flow. Another thing, I have told them over and over again, that when a claim is rejected for MSP issues, you CANNOT file a new claim, you must adjust the rejected claim. So, what do they do? They keep submitting new claims. Do they pick up the phone or send me an email, asking for help? No, they just keep doing the same thing over and over and over. Guess what? If it didn't work the first time, or the second, or the third, it's not going to work the fourth, fifth, sixth, etc time, either! Perfect time for one of my favorite quotes - "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein

We have a new member in our department. She had worked in one of the facilities. We got along fine then. Now? Not so much. Some people need to learn their place, and stay the hell out of my job.

I quit going to Weight Watchers around Thanksgiving. I'm gaining the weight back, because I'm not eating right at all. And I should care, but I am having a hard time doing so. I feel myself drifting back into that depression that I thought I had put behind me. I feel a distance being created between me and some of my online friends, and I'm not sure if I'm creating it, or if they are.

Arkieboy has started going to church. He told me a couple of months ago that he was saved, and he was baptized and joined the church. I'm torn about this. On the one hand, I am very happy for him, because even though I am not currently going to church, I still believe in God, and I belief that faith is very important. On the other hand, he is going to a very conservative church. He soaks everything in like a sponge, and I don't agree with all of the teachings of this church. (Think Rulz here.) And Arkieboy is one of those type of people that will debate you to death, and being his parent, I obviously don't know anything about anything. (teenagers! bah!) He has said a couple of things, and it really bothers me, but I don't know how to address it. I don't want to come across as being critical of his faith or belittling of his beliefs, but some of his opinions don't sit well with me.

weekend quizzes

Your World View

You are a fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably content. You value kindness and try to live by your ideals. You have strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material. You respect truth and are flexible. You like people, and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

What Is Your World View?

You Are The Devil

You don't represent evil, but you do represent the animalistic side of humans. You demonstrate what happens when we listen to our first instincts. At times you tend to be materialistic and hedonistic, giving in to temptation. Admit it, you're guilty of acting first - and forgetting to think later! Your fortune: Right now, you may be having a difficult time as a result of choices you have made. You need to think about what's important in your life, and discover what chains you down. It is the time to acknowledge your faults and take steps to overcome them. It's also the time to let go of any fears or inhibitions that are holding you back.

What Tarot Card Are You?

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

Post Secret

Post Secret

I think a lot of us go to this site. Sometimes, there will be a postcard that really speaks to me. This one did.

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Yeah, ok, whatever.

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Paradox/Self-Knowledge

I care about people and can't stand to see them hurting, and wish I could solve their problems. I am one of the most self-centered, selfish people you will ever meet.

I don't cry when people die in real life. I cry at movies, and when reading books. I also am brought to tears by marching bands. (I SOOOO don't understand that one.)

The personality traits that I find to be the most annoying in others are ones that I have also.

There are two people at OT that, on the surface, appear to be really very much alike. I like one, and despise the other.

I am in awe of people who possess great intelligence and can carry on intense intellectual discussions, but would really like to tell them some times to get the fuck over themselves.

I am a great listener and can really empathize with people at times, and other times, I just totally zone out and all I hear is blah, blah, blah, brak, brak, brak, I love the sound of my own voice, blah, blah, blah.

Honesty is very important to me, and I try not to lie, yet I will lie and say I agree with someone just to get them to shut up already.

I am a calm, easy-going person, and very non-confrontational, yet I can lose my temper at a drop of a hat, and will scream and yell and cuss you out in a heartbeat.

I am shy and get embarrassed easily, yet will share some of the most intimate details of my life with people.

I am naive and trusting, but also very cynical.

I have to laugh at how wrapped up some people get in TV shows, yet, I am very pissed at how the scoring went on the Skating with the Celebrities show last week.

I don't understand why people still flock to Graceland every August, yet I still regret and mourn the passing of Stevie Ray Vaughn. And I cried when Princess Diana died.

I do not play sports, etc, because I am not good at them. I don't do things if I can't do them well. Yet, I continue to be on my company's bowling league. (This week? The second game, I actually bowled a freaking 55. I'm the worst bowler in the league, and it bothers me sometimes, but for the most part I don't care.)

You Are 36% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

On a break

"I got sick of my job, sick of my wife
Sick of my future and sick of my life
I packed up my car and I got some gas
And told ev'rybody they could kiss my ass
I'm goin' to Party town (Yeah, yeah)
I wanna party down (Yeah, yeah)
I wanna have some fun
I wanna fool around
I'm goin' to Party town"

Got some issues I need to work on and things I need to work through. See ya when I see ya.

Why the monkey butt?

In case you're wondering...

These most recent picture was posted because, for some reason, after I posted the first pic, Zombie asked a couple of times for another picture. Seeing as how I am such an accomodating person, I posted it for her.

The first picture posted was to make MiamiCatt laugh (and allow me to be be a bitch). There is a particular peep at OT that I simply despise. Some of you know who this person is. I am not going to name names, because I believe some of you are friends with this person. This person is not one of Catt's favorite peeps, either. One night, to cheer Catt up, I started ripping on this person in my IM's to Catt. I mentioned that this person's face, IMO, resembles a monkey's ass. (And, yes, I am aware that the first pic is of Chimpanzees, which are actually apes, not monkeys.)

So, that's the story behind the monkey butt.

Hey, Z'Baby!

*wink* Are you turned on yet?

(only for you would I google monkey butt)

Pleasant little dream

I had a couple of nice dreams last night. Of course, by now, I'm left with just vague memories of what the dreams were, but they were nice. Not sex dreams, though. In the dream, I was in a relationship with a really nice guy, who was also quite cute. This is not someone I know IRL. We were just hanging out together at my house, cuddling on the couch while I did some paperwork. (Sorry, that's all I remember - except for him asking me where I keep my matchbox cars.)

*points up* That's what I hate the most about being alone. Don't get me wrong, I hate not having sex, too, but I really hate not having someone to just BE with.

Follow up on Honesty Post

I have really enjoyed all your responses to my question about how you interact with people you don't like. Some of the responses made me want to delve a little deeper.

What do you do when the person you don't like has something bad happen to them? I don't mean anything seriously tragic like death or being struck by a major catastrophe or being diagnosed with a serious disease. More along the lines of they put in for a promotion and didn't get it, or things like that.

I have to admit, I don't care. If I don't like you, and you didn't get the job you wanted, I laugh to myself. And if you post something on a message board about it, I don't post any comments whatsoever. I just cannot express sympathy that I don't truly feel. And I can't or don't feel sympathy for people I don't like. And I'm not completely sure that I would express any sympathy for the more tragic events, either. I truly am a cold-hearted bitch sometimes. Or I'm extremely passionate. You know? I love completely and whole-heartedly, and I hate the same way.

I also wonder sometimes about the responses to pics posted on OT. People post pics of themselves, their SO, their children, and everyone responds with how hot the poster is, how hot the SO is, and cute the children are, and I wonder... Do you really feel that way? Or are you being nice? Don't get me wrong, I would never tell someone I thought their kid was ugly, I wouldn't tell them their SO was ugly, etc, but I'm not going to gush all over someone, saying how gorgeous they are, when they're just average looking. (Or in some cases, uglier than a monkey's ass. *waves to Catt* she knows who I mean.) We had a discussion in someone's blog (don't remember whose it was. Hell, it might have been mine!) about a particular set of oobies, and how they weren't as fantastic as the owner of said oobies seems to think. But every time that pic gets posted, the men just drool and fall all over themselves to say how hot they are. And it makes me wonder if they really mean that, or is it just saying it to bolster someone's ego.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I really don't interact well socially with people.

Oops! I forgot something else that I wanted to address. Some of you had commented that you find out that you had had the wrong idea about someone you didn't initially like. I understand that. I think I tend to like most people to start off with and think the best of them, and then it's as I get to see more of them, that I realize that I was wrong that way. That they aren't as nice or whatever as I thought. Or they just become more and more annoying to me. And I know this is an incredibly arrogant statement that I'm about to make, but I'm being honest here. Let me make a disclaimer first: I do not expect my friends to like who I like, and dislike who I dislike. They may see something in someone (good or bad) that I don't see, and vice versa. However, sometimes there are some people that I dislike so much, that I really question the judgement of people who seem to like them. Seriously. It's like, are we not listening to the same person? Can you not see what an ass this person is?

Honesty.

Do you think people know what you truly think about them? I don't just mean the people you care about, knowing how much you do care, and appreciate them, but the people you don't like. Do they know you don't like them?

Isn't there some level of dishonesty in being friendly to people when you truly despise them? *sigh* I dunno... I am almost always nice to people, no matter what I feel about them. And I think people are led to believe that I'm friends with them because of that. I think that makes me a hypocrite and 2-faced. It's strange, I'm nicer to people I don't like than I am to people I like. The more comfortable I am with someone, the more likely I am to pop off rude remarks sometimes.

Well, that's enough of deep thoughts for me.

Monkey Ass!!!

Introducing...

Kolton Louis

For Catt, and she knows why

Blah, blah, blah, I know more than you... *grin*

twig

drifting drifting
skimming along the top
bumping against others
but never stopping
moving on
out of sight
gone

Hey, Coco!

Good news! My sister, who found she was pregnant with her 2nd child around the same time you found out you were pregnant, and was given the same original due date that you were given, is in the hospital right now having the baby! Maybe this will be one more thing the two of you have in common with your pregnancies!

UPDATE: At 3:27 this afternoon, Kolton Lewis entered this world. He weighed 9 pounds, 8 ounces. Mother and son are doing fine.

(not sure if she's spelling it Lewis or Louis)

Was I the only one who didn't know...

what a fuckbench was? (And was curious enough to go google it?)

It's Mine!

With many, many thanks to my parents for loaning me the money, and for finding the car! It's a 99 Malibu, and I LOVE it! It takes a little getting used to, after driving that Tempo for about 10 years. The windshield is set a little differently, so it kind of messes with my vision, as far as other road traffic.

For dragonflies: My floormats and steering wheel cover. I also have the matching seat covers.

Dammit!

I don't want to go to work today! I want to stay home and play!!!

Well, enough *pouting*... I must be leaving now, or I will be dreadfully late!

Merry Christmas!

Quizzes

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet iguana 2) Eat more escargot 3) Travel to Italy 4) Study marine biology 5) Get in shape with ballet

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

You Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled with Money

You've either been really really good this year... Or Santa is trying to pay you off!

What Will Be In Your Christmas Stocking?

You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy. You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

You Are a Traditional Christmas Tree

For a good Christmas, you don't have to re-invent the wheel. You already have traditions, foods, and special things you bring out every year.

What Christmas Tree Are You?

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list. You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year. Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good. Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

Your Christmas is Most Like: The Muppet Christmas Carol

You tend to reflect on Christmas past, present, and future... And you also do a little singing.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

So many things racing around

in my head, I don't know if I will be able to get them all out and on the blog. But first...

Hey, MM! Why didn't you tell us that a tell-all book had been written about you?

from the office Christmas party last night

Me

















J & M (two of the women in my department) & me


















M, A (my boss), and me

*Looks around*

Ok, you asked for it....




*flash*
















And if you were not able to keep yourself from vomiting, PLEASE, I request that you clean up after yourself. I have a horribly weak stomach, and well, vomit makes me vomit.

Just to clear things up...

This?



















Is why nekkid pics of me would be a bad idea.

Now, if I still looked like I did when I was 20:





















It would still be a bad idea.

You've got mail!

Last Thursday when I pulled up in my driveway, I could see a package sitting on my porch. As soon as I got in the door, and dropped my purse, I ripped into it! Yay! I had chocolate chip-banana bread! And let me tell you, IT.WAS.DELICIOUS! I had considered maybe taking some of it in to the office and sharing, but instead, I ate it all. I mean, not all of it on Thursday - it did last through the weekend! I enjoyed it so much! Thank you, thank you, HD!

Then yesterday, I pull up and I have another package! Woo Hoo! This was from Chris (Woe)! She sent me some cookbooks! I lvoe them! Thank you so much, Chris! I can't wait to try some of those soup recipes!

I love getting mail. At least when it isn't requests for my money and demands for my money. *grin*

For you, and you know who you are

I know, you're probably all wishing I hadn't taken the video down, but I felt it was time. *grin*

weekend quizzes

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance. Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer. Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer "My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me" You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

You taste like chicken. Your succulent thighs,
legs, wings, and breasts melt in the mouth.
Your crunchy outer coating barely hides the
juiciness within.


How do you taste?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are most like Psyche, the princess who married
Cupid, the god of love. Though not a goddess,
she symbolizes the soul. Her mother-in-law,
Aphrodite/Venus doesn't like Psyche and tries
to ruin the marriage, but fails. Psyche made a
mistake and let her curiosity get the better of
her, but she proved her devotion to Cupid, who
loved her, even though her mistake injured him.
Cupid and Psyche represent the heart and soul
coming together.


What Greek/Roman Goddess are you? With anime pictures and detailed explanations.
brought to you by Quizilla

I have updated the link... it should work now...

update

The car didn't pan out. When my parents went to look again, they found that the horn didn't work and the front seat belts had been removed. Also, my mom noticed that the bolts and metal where the seat is fastened to the floorboard had a few rust spots. The carpet looked very very clean (like it had been replaced) but the seats had a lot of cigarette burns in it. There was a spot on the ground underneath the car that made my dad think it might have an oil leak. The engine was extremely clean, though. There were a few other things, so they decided that it would probably not be a good idea to get that car. My dad wanted to know if I wanted to borrow money to get my car fixed. *shakes head* I just can't see putting any more money into this car. I have had the exhaust thingy worked on (I think) about 10 or 11 times since I've had the car. I don't understand why one thing keeps messing up like that, but it's just time to move on.

my mind

Sometimes I feel like that *points up* is the way my brain is. Things just slip right out through all the holes. I had a thought of something I wanted to say earlier tonight. It wouldn't have been an entire blog posting. More like just an odds and ends type of post - I was just going to save it until I had a few things like that to post. Now? I cannot remember what the heck I was going to say.

*******************************************************************************

My parents are absolutely the best. Not only did they let Clint move in with them when he was so unhappy living here in Tennessee, not only did they loan me money when I needed it for the attorney and Clint's dad had to buy his then-GF a car instead of helping with the attorney's fees, not only are they always there for me when I need them, but they are going to maybe buy me a car, and let me pay them back when I can. It's a 94 Escort, and the guy is asking $1600 for it. My dad saw it when they were out today, and is going to go back tomorrow to talk to the man selling it, and to look at it closer. If it looks like it will be a good car, he' s going to buy it for me. I had said that I would NEVER have another Ford after the one I currently have (91 Tempo), but like I told my mom - I don't care what kind of car, I don't care what it looks like, just as long as it is reliable.

I feel bad, though, that here I am, 39 years old, and still having to have my parents help me out so much. What really makes it bad, is they are both retired, and living on Social Security. (Actually, I'm not completely sure if my Mom is drawing her SS yet.) I make a fairly decent salary, and I should be helping them instead. I feel like such a lowlife sometimes.

Death, and a little bit of religion

This is one of those posts that I'm not sure why I feel the need to share this. Maybe I want to know if I'm truly some kind of pyschopath or someone who has no deep emotions. But it's how I feel. This is me, like it or not.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person who thinks and feels the way I do about some things. I have never come across anyone who expresses the same view about death as I do.

When people find out someone has cancer or some other fatal disease, and go on about it being a death sentence, I just don't feel the same. I mean, the person was dying anyway. We are all dying from the moment our life begins. I don't know why people let death surprise them. You have to know it's going to happen anyway.

I don't cry when people die, either. Sometimes I think I must be an iceberg inside. But I just don't have tears in that instance, normally. When I was younger, I would think of other things to make me cry at a relative's funeral. People assume you must not care if you don't cry. One thing I don't understand is when people who are Christian talk about how tragic it is when someone else (who they say is Christian) dies. If they are a Christian, then based on the Christian beliefs, aren't they now in heaven? How can that be tragic?

Years ago, when I was still working at the nursing home in Sheridan, there had been a horrible car wreck, and a man was killed. The receptionist and the activity director were talking about how sad it was, and the AD says, "and for it to happen to a good Christian man!" OK, back on Christian beliefs... a Christian dies and goes to heaven. A non-Christian goes to hell. So, thinking that it's worse that a Christian died instead of a non-saved person? Isn't that a rather non-Christian view point? I mean, wouldn't it be better for someone to have the chance to become a Christian instead of dying and burning in hell forever, if that is your personal beliefs of what happens? I had other differences with the activity director and her judgment of how others were good Christians or not. At Christmas time, several of the churches would ask to adopt some of the residents to make sure they received presents, etc, and weren't forgotten. One of the larger churches had not contacted her to do this that year, and she was making disparaging remarks about how "they call themselves Christians". I made the observation that perhaps God was leading them to help some of his other children. Heh. She didn't speak to me again for a couple of days.

I believe that death does not suddenly change the way a person was while alive. If they were an asshole while living, they do not become a saint in my eyes just because they are dead.

I find it hard to get upset over the deaths of people I either don't know, or really have no attachment to. I also find it suspect when others become so distraught in these cases. (I know, rather judgmental on my part - but then, they are also judging me in the same instance, and declaring me to be a cold-hearted non-feeling bitch.)
Two examples: When I worked as a nurse's aide back in '87, there was this one woman who would be so devastated everytime one of the residents passed away, that she couldn't finish her shift and would go home. Because she cared soooo much about the residents. Even the ones who had just entered the facility 3 days before, and that she hadn't even worked with before they passed. I always thought if she cared so much, why didn't she suck it up, and take care of the other residents that still needed her? I thought it was really very selfish on her part. I also couldn't believe that she got away with it all the time.
Second example: When working in the regional office, there was this one woman in the operations side that no one in the financial department liked. Everyone despised this woman. A couple of us had met her husband on one occasion, but the rest of us never did. He died in a car wreck. That day, most of the operations people were out of the office, and there was only five or six of us in the office. Three of them were so overcome and distraught about the death of this man that they didn't know, that they had to leave work immediately. My supervisor had asked if I needed to go home. I rather rudely asked why would I? I'm sorry, it was sad, it was tragic, but I didn't even know the man. Why would I be unable to work? *shrugs*

My OCD-ness

I had made a comment about being OCD in Seana's blog when I offered to loan her some books. I really get anal about my books. Actually, it's anything that comes in a set or series. I cannot stand when a glass or plate from a set gets broke. It bothers me to the point that I will go buy another set, and never use the incomplete set again. For a while, I was this way about my flatware, too. I would actually count the spoons and forks when putting them away after washing them. If one was missing, I would not do anything else until I found the missing item.
When I find an author or recording artist that I enjoy, I usually end up buying all of their works. Even if some are not to my taste. And in the case of books, they all have to be either hard cover or paperback copies. Right now, I have the complete works of Carol O'Connell, and it is driving me crazy that my copy of her latest book is hard cover, and the rest are paperback. I couldn't wait to read the book until they released the paperback version. It is out in paperback now, and I will be buying it. Also, the second most recent one, I have in both paperback and hard cover. I will be giving away the two hard cover copies. Otherwise, I will be tempted to get all of her novels in the hard cover. It really bothers me that my copies of the first two Harry Potter novels are paperback and the rest are hard cover.

I try to keep my paperbacks sorted by genre and alphabetically by author, then by release date. I have run out of room where I store them, and now they are all stacked up in no kind of order. This bugs me. I think I have found some shelving solution at Wal-Mart (that's right, I shop at Wal-Mart, and I am not ashamed!). I can't decide if I want to buy the item I found, because while it will work, it's not really what I want. So, do I spend the money on this, or wait until I find and can afford, what I really want? (Which is a bookcase or two - preferably a rustic, southwestern look to them.)

Way back, when I was a teenager and until shortly after I got married, I had a massive collection of albums. I kept them sorted by genre, artist and release date, too. I also maintained a list. I didn't have a computer back then, so I had to use a manual typewriter to keep this list. So, every so often I would have to re-type it. And then if I found that I omitted one record, or didn't have it in the right location on the list, I would start all over.

It manifests itself when I do laundry or dishes, too. It really makes me crazy for me to spend my time cleaning, getting all the dishes done, and then someone come in and get a glass and get a drink. When I'm doing laundry, I will go put on my nightclothes, so I can wash whatever I was wearing, so that ALL the clothes are clean. I think that's part of why I don't clean my house that often, because if it can't be 100% spotless, it bugs me. It's either all or nothing. If I'm going to clean, then everything has to be clean. Otherwise, I won't do any.

Once I start organizing something, it all has to be just so. When I worked in medical records at the nursing home, all the papers had to be lined up just so in the file. They had to be straight, and you had to be able to see the label of each file.

One big post or several little ones?

I have had several ideas for blog posts this past week, and am not sure if I should just throw them all into one post, or make several posts. And then, do I post them all at once, or spread them out? Plus, I'm not really sure about posting a couple of them. One of them, I'm n0t truly sure of my motivation in posting it. Do I just want to express my thoughts on this subject, do I want to start a dialogue on it, do I want to know if others feel this way, or is it an attempt to push people away? The second one, I'm afraid might hurt someone's feelings. I had posted a reply on someone else's blog, and then wished I hadn't, because in all truthfulness, I really feel quite strongly about NOT commenting on that type of thing.

Time with Arkieboy

If you disregard the reason why Arkieboy and I were together this week, I have to say that this was a very good time. My son is becoming a man. I look at him, and I wonder when did this happen? When did my sweet darling baby start growing up on me? He is almost as tall as me now. I think I may still have 1/2 to 1-inch on him still, but it won't be long before he is taller than me.

About 2-3 months ago, Clint started going to church, and got saved. I'm very happy for him. I've often felt like I was failing as his parent, in that I don't go to church at all anymore, and you could probably count on one hand how many times I took him to church. So I am very glad that he made the decision on his own to attend church. But you know, the newly religious can be quite fervent in their desire to share their new knowledge with you. Clint picked up my bible out of the bookcase, and asked me when was the last time I read it. I honestly answered that I had no idea. My son then proceeded to give me a brief lecture on how I needed to read my bible daily. Based on what I was taught as a Christian, I know he is right, but I'm just not at that place in my life right now. So, I am having to carefully walk the tightrope and not discourage him, because I want him to live a good life, and I do think that having God in your life is important. But I also don't want to be lectured and preached to on a regular basis. We listened to Christian music almost all week.

Clint worked on cleaning out my pantry for me. He was rummaging through it, and asked me if I wanted some hot cocoa. Then he says, ewww! this has an expiration date of (something, something) 2003! So I told him to throw it away. He then started going through a lot of the stuff in there. The oldest item he found (that had a date, anyway) was a bottle of salad dressing that had a best if used by date of 2001. Clint asked if he should throw this stuff away or if I wanted to donate it to a food bank. My view on this is if I won't eat it because I'm concerned it wouldn't be safe, then how could I expect someone else to eat it? Just because a person may need some assistance, doesn't mean they should be expected to take someone's garbage. Clint threw away a tall kitchen-size bag of food. He only worked on one or two of the shelves. I guess I need to finish the job.

I gave Clint a shave while he was up here. He shaves, but doesn't do a very good job of it on his neck. I was telling him he needed to do that, and asked if he wanted me to shave him. His reply was that I don't know how to shave somebody. As I told him, I worked as a nurse's aide in the nursing home for 2 years. So, I did have some experience in shaving men. After the shave, I asked how it felt, and he said it was better than he ever did. I tried to get him to say, "Mom, you're right", but that was just a losing battle. *grin*

I had been putting off going to see the Harry Potter movie, because I was pretty sure that Clint would want to see it. He wanted to see Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Watch, and the Wardrobe instead. However, that movie doesn't open here until the 9th. He decided he wanted to see First Descent, a documentary on snowboarding. I said something about maybe I would go see something else then. He said that was ok, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he really wanted me to watch the movie with him. I realized that we don't spend enough time with each other, and it was selfish of me to want to go see something else instead of going to the movie with him. I know we wouldn't be able to talk during the movie, but at least we would be spending time with each other. Actually we were able to talk during the movie, because there were only two other people in the theater. Clint and I were at the very top row, and the other two people were down at the bottom of the theater, so we would whisper back and forth about some of the interesting things. The movie wasn't that bad. I wouldn't actually recommend it to anyone, unless they were really into snowboarding and the top names of snowboarding, but it was still cool.

I would dearly love to know what Clint said during his visit with the doctor Friday. After she finished with him, she had me come back for a minute. She made a comment about how Clint's father has not been a very good influence on him, and that Clint has been exposed to things he shouldn't have been. Clint never says a lot about what he and his dad do when they're together, and I try not to push it. He will sometimes just let things out if I just listen, and don't actually question him. I have known that his dad is not a good influence based on some of the advice he has given Clint over the years, but I didn't know he was such a dumbass that I needed to worry about him exposing Clint to whatever he has exposed him to (I'm guessing girly magazines, and probably some porn. Definitely has told him things that he shouldn't.) Some of the fine advice he has given Clint in the past has included: when Clint was having trouble with a kid picking on him in the 3rd grade by knocking his books out of his hands, etc, his dad told him to ask him to stop once, and then if he does it again, "just take him out". I had to have a meeting with the after-school care program director because of that one. Then, when Clint got into this trouble, his dad told him to tell the judge the only reason he admitted to the detectives that he did it, was because he was scared and confused and just told them what he thought they wanted to hear so he could go home. Thankfully, Clint passed that little tidbit on to me and my mom, so I could squash that before Clint appeared before the judge.

update

We had the original judge, not the crabby panties judge from the last time! We were in and out in minutes. I have to come back for an administrative review (to see what the doctor has recommended, etc) in January, but Clint doesn't have to come to that one.

Thank you all for all the positive thoughts and vibes and prayers. I love you all!