Death, and a little bit of religion

This is one of those posts that I'm not sure why I feel the need to share this. Maybe I want to know if I'm truly some kind of pyschopath or someone who has no deep emotions. But it's how I feel. This is me, like it or not.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person who thinks and feels the way I do about some things. I have never come across anyone who expresses the same view about death as I do.

When people find out someone has cancer or some other fatal disease, and go on about it being a death sentence, I just don't feel the same. I mean, the person was dying anyway. We are all dying from the moment our life begins. I don't know why people let death surprise them. You have to know it's going to happen anyway.

I don't cry when people die, either. Sometimes I think I must be an iceberg inside. But I just don't have tears in that instance, normally. When I was younger, I would think of other things to make me cry at a relative's funeral. People assume you must not care if you don't cry. One thing I don't understand is when people who are Christian talk about how tragic it is when someone else (who they say is Christian) dies. If they are a Christian, then based on the Christian beliefs, aren't they now in heaven? How can that be tragic?

Years ago, when I was still working at the nursing home in Sheridan, there had been a horrible car wreck, and a man was killed. The receptionist and the activity director were talking about how sad it was, and the AD says, "and for it to happen to a good Christian man!" OK, back on Christian beliefs... a Christian dies and goes to heaven. A non-Christian goes to hell. So, thinking that it's worse that a Christian died instead of a non-saved person? Isn't that a rather non-Christian view point? I mean, wouldn't it be better for someone to have the chance to become a Christian instead of dying and burning in hell forever, if that is your personal beliefs of what happens? I had other differences with the activity director and her judgment of how others were good Christians or not. At Christmas time, several of the churches would ask to adopt some of the residents to make sure they received presents, etc, and weren't forgotten. One of the larger churches had not contacted her to do this that year, and she was making disparaging remarks about how "they call themselves Christians". I made the observation that perhaps God was leading them to help some of his other children. Heh. She didn't speak to me again for a couple of days.

I believe that death does not suddenly change the way a person was while alive. If they were an asshole while living, they do not become a saint in my eyes just because they are dead.

I find it hard to get upset over the deaths of people I either don't know, or really have no attachment to. I also find it suspect when others become so distraught in these cases. (I know, rather judgmental on my part - but then, they are also judging me in the same instance, and declaring me to be a cold-hearted non-feeling bitch.)
Two examples: When I worked as a nurse's aide back in '87, there was this one woman who would be so devastated everytime one of the residents passed away, that she couldn't finish her shift and would go home. Because she cared soooo much about the residents. Even the ones who had just entered the facility 3 days before, and that she hadn't even worked with before they passed. I always thought if she cared so much, why didn't she suck it up, and take care of the other residents that still needed her? I thought it was really very selfish on her part. I also couldn't believe that she got away with it all the time.
Second example: When working in the regional office, there was this one woman in the operations side that no one in the financial department liked. Everyone despised this woman. A couple of us had met her husband on one occasion, but the rest of us never did. He died in a car wreck. That day, most of the operations people were out of the office, and there was only five or six of us in the office. Three of them were so overcome and distraught about the death of this man that they didn't know, that they had to leave work immediately. My supervisor had asked if I needed to go home. I rather rudely asked why would I? I'm sorry, it was sad, it was tragic, but I didn't even know the man. Why would I be unable to work? *shrugs*