I take two baby steps forward, and run 10 steps back...
So, as I told you earlier, I had signed up with an online dating service, because I want to find my soulmate. (yes, I do believe that everyone has a soulmate. Call me a romantic or a fool or whatever you want, but that's just how I feel.) I want to meet someone, and fall in love, and get married, and all that jazz. So, why, when this one guy I've been exchanging "smiles" with, tells me today in an email, that he is looking for a long term relationship, and that if I'm just looking for someone to chat with, that he's not right for me, why am I backing off, thinking WHOA! let's get to know each other first, etc... let's talk first, then see if it leads anywhere.
More contraryness... he tells me he's completely relocatable... OK, I have a job I love, I'm buying a house, I don't want to have to move if I should meet someone, I want him to consider relocating. But this guy says that, and I'm thinking, red flag! What, you can just up and move? Don't you have a job, or roots, that you might need to consider before you offer to transplant yourself? It's what I want, or is it?
It has been pointed out to me by a couple of people, that I seem to be deliberately choosing men who are very far away from me, instead of someone who is close enough that a relationship could be an actuality. That I'm making sure it's not going to work, because of the distance.
To be honest, I'm scared. I have not been on a date since 1989. How do you get back out there? I just don't even know what to do.
Advice, anyone?
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11 comments:
You might be over-thinking things. Easy for me to say though. I can only imagine how scary it is to be getting back into the dating scene. My only advise is to go slow. No need to rush into things, and I think you have the right idea on that. Don't let anyone push you into something you aren't ready for. However, having said that, you can't take things slow if you don't take a chance in the first place. Why not try getting to know someone closer to where you live? It doesn't mean you have to commit. *HUGS* Your soulmate is out there somewhere. I do believe that also. He could be just around the corner. I also like that you are cautious. If someone doesn't feel right to you, go with your instincts.
How long have you been "exchanging smiles" with this guy? Do you like him? If he is looking for a long term relationship, then he should be just fine with taking things slow, and building a relationship. So tell him that's what you want to do. If he can't respect that, he's not right for you anyhow.
As for the seeking out guys who live far away from you, I think that could be a good thing at first. Take some time to get used to talking to guys again, and flirting and whatnot. When you're more comfortable with being out in the dating world again, you can start looking for guys closer to your area.
Oh, I guess I should tell you that I am probably the least experienced person when it comes to dating and relationships, so don't listen to anything I say. *grin*
I've been thinking about joining an online service, too. We'll have to chat sometime and you can tell me who you're using and how you like it so far, k?
Lastly, *smooches* hon. I hope you find the man of your dreams, you deserve it.
Umm...I don't think you are being contrary or confused. In all honesty, if a guy were to tell me after a few short weeks of online chatting that he's looking for a long term relationship and is willing to move - without getting to really know someone - sounds a bit creepy.
Now, as for your question on what to do, I say take it slow. Start with friendships with people that live near you and move from there.
*HUGS*
We haven't been exchanging smiles very long at all... 2 weeks at the most, which is why I'm kind of freaked out about the whole it's kind to be long term or else kind of thing. And I'm not really sure if I like him or not... we haven't actually talked or anything, just the "smiles". Plus, he's 10 years younger than me. I'm not sure I want someone with that much of an age difference.
Part of the reason I seem to be seeking out the far away men, is it does feel safer. I haven't flirted or anything in so long, and I just start to panic when I think about actually trying to get to that stage. (I mean, I want to get to that stage, but it's been so long, I've forgotten how to do any of it.) Plus, I have a knack for getting myself into situations, and not being able to get out, because I don't want to hurt someone. I agree to things, even though it's not what I really want.
You know, I'm starting to think the old custom of arranged marriages wasn't such a bad idea, after all.
Jen, the service I'm using right now is bbwpersonalsplus.com - so far, I like it - I really haven't put out a whole lot of effort into actually connecting with anyone, but there are plenty to choose from. :)
Ok, it sounds to me like you just need to tell this guy that you don't think he is right for you. Blame it on the age difference if you don't want to outright tell him he's a creepy freak. *grin*
See? now I had never even thought of going to a site for bbw. Wait, is there a site for buw? I need that one. LOL. I'm kidding, sort of. Anyway...
Did you watch the Hooking Up series on online dating? It was very interesting, yet scary at the same time.
You know how shitty I am at this kind of advice. *rolls eyes*
*smooch*
Pfffft, Carey! If it wasn't for you and the good advice you give, I would still
a) be mooning over that other person; and
b) using the wrong type of toys. *grin*
Baby steps is all I can say, each step is a step toward being more comfortable with you and then you wont have an issue with someone 2 feet from you or 2000 miles from you.
I can imagine where you're coming from though. I was a very late bloomer and though I've been on the dating scene for 9 years now, I still feel like I'm new at it often.
I generally do the same thing--I date men from out of town (or out of state) BECAUSE the men here are idjuts. My cousin asked my mother that question just last night about why I only date men from elsewhere. I? Am different. I need men who are different also. ;)
Well, here's my two cents as a single guy who likes to think of himself as sensitive and honest. I appreciate a guy who is upfront about wanting a LTR and being able to relocate if the chemistry is right (after exploring the relationship for an approrpiate amount of time). There's too many guys out there looking for Right Now instead of Right. I wouldn't let his willingness to be adaptable to your needs to disqualify him.
That being said, if you're just not feeling it for this guy, then you are in no way obligated to pursue this any further.
At the very least, be honest with yourself about exactly why you are not interested in this (or any other) guy.
Other than that, keep posting --- because there's lots of peeps out here to offer advice and support.
toys? Did someone say toys?....oh, okay. Anyway, I think that you're overthinking it only that you're questioning your gut instincts. If you're getting some heebie jeebie vibes from this guy, then listen to them. Trust your inner voice--it's usualy right on these things.
There is more than one guy out there, my dear. Don't limit your possibilities after two weeks. Cut bait and move on to the other fish.
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