A rant about my ex

Without a doubt, my ex-husband has to be the dumbest man alive. He's the dumbest person alive. UGH!!! I just got off the phone with him, and I could just scream!!!!! I want to ask him so badly, ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID????? But I won't. I will bite my tongue, and be nice. Then I will come here and run him down like the stupid-ass he is.

OK, my son is on probation. He is staying with my parents in another state. The Ex lives in that same state, and is an over-the-road trucker. He has, in the past, taken our son with him in the truck during the summer. But our son is ON PROBATION NOW. Dumb ass doesn't understand why he can't take son out of state with him. I told him last night, that he's on probation, you can't just up and leave... you have to have permission (and I didn't think they would ok it). Quote:"Well, I don't understand why not". Because, dumb-ass, he's on probation... it's part of the terms. "Well, can you call and ask?" OK, fine I will call, even though I already know the effin' answer. So I call. Of course, he can't go. And yes, he would have to have permission ahead of time.

Dumb-ass calls tonight to find out what the answer was. When I told him, he says, "Well, that's just being mean." WTF???? Look, dumb-ass... if you want to see our son, drive your sorry ass to my parents house, take him out fishing at the lake that is right there, maybe 15 miles away from their house, take him out to eat... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE HIM OUT OF THE STATE TO SEE HIM. CAN YOU NOT GET THIS THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?????

You know, I kind almost see having to explain all of this to our son. After all, he's not even 14 yet. (Of course, I really do think he's old enough to understand without me having to go into this, but I will cut him some slack.) But for cripe's sake! The ex is 34 years old. How frikkin hard can it be to understand the whole concept of probation???? FTR, when you do something wrong, you have to pay the consequences. Our son is having to learn this, and suffer the consequences of his actions. It is not the Probation Office's problem that you are such a jackass that you can't be bothered to try to see our son on the weekends when you are home. So, fucking deal with it already!!!!

Geez! What the hell was I thinking all those years ago??? What the hell did I ever see in this jerk, anyway? Sometimes, I feel as if I should apologize to my son for making such a bad decision that resulted in the jackass being his father.

Can you tell that I really don't like this man?

Wanting to say something, but can't

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

This song keeps going through my head. I'm in a bit of a blue funk right now.

Confession

I must confess... I'm jealous. *sigh* I read the blogs of some of the other people, and they are so creative and entertaining. I wish I could be a writer - verse or short stories. I'm just not creative enough. I try sometimes, and it just seems so stilted and forced. Plus, usually, I can find where someone else has said what I wanted to say, and said it so much better than I ever could.

And people who can write full-blown novels? How do they come up with all of that? To be able to create something from nothing... I am in awe of people with talent like that.

I wish I had *some* type of creative talent. I am always amazed at things people do as crafts, or the artistic endeavors.

I've been told that everyone has *some* type of talent. I'm 38 yrs old, and still trying to figure out where my talents lie. I dunno... is being a good listener a talent? I am also good at empathizing, and can usually see both sides of a conflict.

Well, there's a reason I named my blog "Ramblings"... I cannot keep a coherent thought as I try to write. :) Guess that's enough rambling for one setting...

I ask you Why?

Why, when I call to cancel my service, do you refuse to just let me do that? Why do you keep offering me something else? Can you not understand I don't want it???? When I called to cancel my AOL a few months back, I was offered a month free. No, I don't want it, I have switched to another ISP, do you get it already? I've told you three times, I didn't want to go with AOL to start with, I did that for my son. I didn't like, I didn't use any of those wonderful features that you won't stop blathering about, and I DON'T WANT TO USE YOUR SERVICE ANY LONGER.
Why, when I call to cancel my subscription to the newspaper, do you insist on trying to get me to take it for even more days? If I don't have the time or inclination to read your paper on Sunday of all days, why do you think I would have any more time or be any more so inclined to read it on Friday or Saturday?

Why are you asking me why you wanted to see something? I didn't understand why you had a problem with it 3 months ago, and now that the particular documentation has come in, I still don't know why you wanted to see it. If you can't remember, then why would you think I would remember?

Why did you ask somebody else for my IM, and request that I add you to my list, when you never use it? That's like asking for someone's phone number, when you know you have no intention of ever calling. Why do that?

Why? Why? Why?
OK, why am I suddenly sounding like a 3 yr old? Sometimes, people just make my brain hurt.
*off to ponder the meaning of life now* :)

Ms. B has been deprived

I learned today that a co-worker of mine has had a very sad life, and has missed out on one of the greatest joys a person can ever experience. Yes, Ms. B. has never had the ultimate pleasure that a person can only achieve when they eat a fried pie. The living section of the local newspaper had a feature on fried pies today. Upon seeing this article, I exclaimed, "Oh, YUM! That sounds so good." At which point, Ms. B inquired were fried pies good? I was shocked. "You've never had a fried pie?" Her reply was no. I was simply aghast! How could someone grow up in the south, and never have a fried pie? What other things was she deprived of while growing up?

This news saddened me so, and I felt compelled to share this tragedy with two of my co-workers. And then I learned something even more shocking. Ms. D. thought that those nasty things you can purchase at McD's were fried pies. Can you imagine that? To confuse the delectable home-made fried pie with that dry food-type item? I never realized until today how lucky and blessed I was as a child.

Don't it just make you want to cry?

Today's horoscope

Mama mia -- here you go again! Just when you thought you were through with all that silliness about love and romance, a bolt from the blue lands right on your doorstep -- and a mighty cute one, too. Whether you're meeting someone new or just noticing something awfully adorable about the one you're with, the stars promise plenty of hitch in your romantic giddy-yap.


OK, haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary today :(

Karma, fate, whatever, it's a bitch sometimes

I first starting going to a chat room last September (I think it was September). I remember the first time I was in there, 2 of the peeps were talking about flirting online, and how it's not a good idea, etc, and neither of them do that because some people let their emotions get involved. I thought to myself, what kind of loser gets emotionally involved with someone that they haven't actually met?

Well, apparently, I'm that kind of loser. I started flirting with a man, and it was all fun and games for a while, and then, somehow, I started developing feelings for him. Deep feelings. I fell in love. *laughs at self* I laugh, so maybe I won't cry. I love him, and he says he "cares" for me. Unfortunately, we live very far apart, and he doesn't see that as something that could be overcome. I think it could be, if we both really wanted it.

Oh, what is that saying? There is none so blind as won't see. Sometimes I think that's me. I want to believe that this guy could actually love me, and that it could actually be real, so I ignore the signs that say, while he might care about me as a friend, that's all there is to it. But I've asked him before to just tell me point blank that it won't ever happen, and he won't say that. He doesn't want to meet, he won't do phone calls, but he won't tell me it's just not going to ever be more than what it is right now. Maybe he thinks that would hurt me, but as long as he refuses to say it, I will keep hanging on. I tell myself I could move on if he would do that, but honestly, I don't want to move on. I want this. I want my dream to come true. I want that "happy-ever-after" that the fairy tales promise.

I get so angry at the whole situation. Why do I "meet" someone who is everything I want in a mate/lover/?, and he has to be over 800 miles away? It's so unfair. I know, life is unfair. That's just the way it is sometimes. But this? really sucks.

He told me the other night that he is starting to look for someone... I truly hope he finds someone he can love, and will love him. He is a very special person, and deserves to find happiness. If he does find someone, I hope she appreciates how very lucky she is to have him in her life. I just wish it could be me.

Interviewed by Karen

1. If you could be one person (living or dead) for a week, who would you be and why?
After thinking about this, I decided Mother Theresa. Why? Because I would like to experience the true, selfless love she showed for all people. I would like to know what it's like to truly be self-sacrificing, and to be content in doing so. I tend to put others first a lot, but find myself resenting the people at times. And I would like to be able to give freely and completely of myself, and honestly not expect any return.

I also have a shallow answer. Jessica Alba. Young, beautiful and sexy. Who wouldn't want to be like that?

2. If you could re-name yourself, what would your new name be and why?
I would like a name that reflects a different portion of my ancestory. I am of German descent, and my name is German in origin. The meaning of my name is peaceful, which I feel is quite accurate. But if I were to re-name myself, I would choose a name to reflect my Native American heritage. My great-great grandmother was Native American; we believe from the Cherokee tribe. The name I would choose for myself is Ayita, which means first to dance. I am not the best dancer by no means, but I love dancing. So, I feel that this would be quite descriptive of my personality.

3. Think back to your earliest memory...What is it?
I don't remember exactly how old I was, probably around 3. We had horses, and I loved them. I would always go out to the pasture, and pull up some grass and let them eat from my hand. I would walk underneath the belly of the mare. To this day, I don't think any animal has a better scent than that of the horse.

4. Make up a word and tell me what it means.
Cazust. The meaning is absolute, complete, total honesty.

5. If you could travel anywhere in the world for a month (spare no expense - you're not paying), where would you go and why? Would you take me with you? ;)
I have never traveled, so this one is hard for me to narrow down. There are so many places I would want to go see. I want to go to Paris. I want to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower. I'm a romantic at heart, and after all, Paris is the city of lovers. I also want to go to Germany, and go on a tour of the various castles.

And of course I would take you with me! :)
***********************************************************************************************************
Rules for those of you interested in further interviews...
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of my choosing.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. If you don't have a blog, you can post your responses in my comments section.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post, following the same rules.

Is it just me?

Is it just me? Am I just completely naive? I don't understand the reasoning behind lying to someone you have met on the internet about who you are, where you're from etc... OK, I totally understand being cautious, not giving out personal information, because after all, you don't know who is on the other end. But why not just say you don't give out personal information? What purpose does it serve to lie?

I was discussing this with a "face-to-face" friend. She and I both go to this one site to play spades. There is a man that she had become friendly with, and that I talk to, also. He had told us he was living in Arizona. Come to find out, he is actually living in Pennsylvania. His excuse for lying was that he's 50, hurt his back and is on disability, and lives with his parents because of it, and was too embarrassed to say this at first. OK, so I understand not wanting to say you live with your parents when you're 50 years old. But why lie about what state you're in? I don't get it. All this makes me do is now question anything else he has ever said, you know? Again, if you don't want someone to know your true situation, just don't say anything. Is it that hard?

I guess why this frustrates me so much is I take things at face value, for the most part. If you present yourself as a 36 year old person living in New Hampshire (for example), then that's what I accept as the truth. I don't know... am I just too gullible and naive? I know I'm repeating myself, but I really wish someone could explain what these people get out of just completely lying about everything. Unless you're a con or a perv, why lie? Either don't tell me anything, or tell me the truth. It's that simple.

Carey's interview questions for me...

Arkie:
1. What trait (not physical) do you find most important in a mate?
Wow. This is a lot harder to answer that I originally thought it would be. The most important trait in a mate… there are several things, like a good sense of humor, to be trustworthy, to be responsible, to be a good listener, but I guess the most important trait would be that he is considerate.

2. What were you like in high school?
Well, I was a good student (for the most part). I was also a rowdy, loud-mouth, fun-loving person. I could be quite mean at times – I got sent to the principal’s office once for being “ugly” to someone. I definitely was NOT one of the popular kids. I hung out with the dopers, but wasn’t a user (I tried it a couple of times, but it just wasn’t for me).

3. 10 words or less, describe who you are.
Hmmm, who am I, in 10 words? Truthfully, I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I could give you 10 words that describe HOW I am, but not WHO.

4. Would you dump a lover because they were not satisfying in bed?
That would depend. If it was strictly a physical relationship, that I had no plans on being with this person long-term, then yes. And it would also depend on why he wasn’t satisfying – If it was because he didn’t care about my needs, and he was just selfish in bed, then, yes I would dump him. But if it was someone I loved, then no, I wouldn’t dump him for that. I would try to teach him what I needed, plus, the emotions would have a lot to do with it being satisfying.

5. What would be a perfect night for you?
There are several ways a night could be perfect. Just hanging out with people I care about, and having fun would be perfect. A night out dancing is always good. Or a quiet night at home, snuggling up on the couch with the person I love.

=========================================================
The game:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog (if you have one) with the answers to the questions OR you answer them here in the comments if you don't have a blog.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

quiz - what do you need in your life?

You need understanding.
In your life there have been many people that
could never seem to comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an
out-cast because of their narrow minds or you
have adjusted yourself to them, and never
let them see who you are deep inside. You
now think that no one will ever understand you
and you hate that fact. Though you are scared
of what the effects might be if you would
decide to let someone in so you keep a safe
distance that you both curse and bless.


What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

ugh

Taken individually, it's all small stuff. Throw it all at me at once, and major suckage in my life right now.

Last year, I had to have someone come out and work on the A/C unit for upstairs. The guy told me I had a leak somewhere that was letting all the freon out. They would have to run a test that would cost so much, blah, blah, blah, unit is so old, blah, blah, blah, just really go ahead and replace it, blah, blah, blah. He puts more freon in, tells me he can't guarantee how long it will last, and I should start calling to get quotes on a replacement. Well, it got me through the rest of the summer just fine. But earlier this spring, I decided I should go ahead and replace it before it got too hot. Except for one thing. I had a total brain fart, couldn't remember if it was the upstairs or downstairs unit that was needing replaced, and replaced the downstairs unit (which was going to need it anyway, but still...). So, Wednesday night, I go upstairs to bed around 12:00, and it's very warm up there. I have the A/C on, the thermostat set to 70, but it's 80 degrees. I put my hand up under the vent, and that is sooooo not cold air coming out. I turn off the unit because it's probably froze up outside. Now, I have to call around and either get someone to put more freon in, but how long will that last? or go ahead and replace it. Or the third option, which is not really that much of an option, is don't have A/C upstairs this summer. Just sleep downstairs on the couch. So that's suckage number one.

Suckage number two: I made a decision that everyone tells me will be for the best in the long run, but it's making me miserable right now.

Suckage number three: I washed a load of jeans the other day, but forgot to put them in the dryer. Last night, I was going to do that, but they were starting to smell and needed re-washed. I start the washer right before I go to bed, with the intent of throwing the load in the dryer as soon as I got up this morning. I come down to realize that I forgot to close the lid, so the machine couldn't finish running through the cycle.

Suckage number four: I had a dream about my car this morning. I hate having dreams about my car, because whatever went wrong in the dream will make me paranoid for a few days about driving it. This dream, whenever I would turn on the car, the dash would have a little flame shooting out. Plus the dream mechanic told me my muffler was bad (this bothers me, because in reality, I just had the muffler worked on).

Suckage number five: Work is getting crazy. I have been assigned to collect one facility's past due Medicare Part A (over $200k), four facilities' Medicare Part B (unsure of total, but it's all old, and there's a lot of garbage to sift through on their agings), still working on credit balances for yet another facility, and then we have our accu-check project, phase two, starting up. Plus, I feel I really need to go to Texas and have a meeting with those 5 bookkeepers because they are really seeming to be having difficulties lately. And this is just NOT a good time because of everything else on my plate at work.

Like I said, not one big thing, but several sucky little things, and it's just starting to be a little overwhelming.

Memphis in May

So...
Jessica & Joseph didn't come to the Memphis in May festival. He couldn't wait to meet her, so he came down the weekend before. He decided not to continue the relationship. Jessica didn't want to go to Memphis without him because she just wouldn't enjoy herself.

Things work out the way they do, and sometimes it turns out better because of the unexpected. When the whole MIM trip came up, I didn't want to go. J&J talked me into it. I started to get excited about it. So I was upset, to put it mildly, that the plans all fell apart. If I hadn't already planned to meet up with one of my online friends who was coming for the festival, I wouldn't have gone. I am so glad I did.

I got to finally meet Stephanie face-to-face. She and I have "talked" through e-mails, chat rooms, IM, and the message board for a long time. I was nervous about actually meeting her, but it was great! You know how sometimes you will meet someone, and it's like you've known them forever? You just pick right up in conversation, and you can totally be yourself, and not the 'polite' version of yourself that you present to strangers? That's how it was with Stephanie. We just clicked so well. I'm laughing to myself, just thinking about this weekend, and how much fun I had. There were no reservations or being guarded when I was with Steph. We both felt comfortable enough to get drunk, to make smart-ass remarks to each other, and to just be ourselves. Well, except for one thing. Steph stayed in the hotel room with me, because I had a room with 2 beds, and I did pretend to possess some sense of modesty, and refrained from just stripping off my clothes in front of her. If she hadn't gotten in the shower when she did Friday night, that false act of modesty wasn't going to last much longer, LOL. And I even got dressed in the frikkin' bathroom Saturday morning. And I hate getting dressed in the bathroom after I take my shower. Normally, I will go and sit on my bed, and finish drying off, and then get dressed, but I didn't want her to think I was a total exhibitionist.

The festival was a blast, and Beale Street is amazing! It started raining (HARD!) Friday afternoon, and I looked like a drowned rat. The park turned into just a giant mud-pit. But I didn't care. It was one of the best times of my life. I got to see Bowling for Soup, and then after the rains came in, we just hung out in the blues tent. I haven't listened to a lot of blues acts before this, so it was all new to me. But I really enjoyed Popa Chubby, and then I got introduced to the music of Tommy Castro. Wow. That's all. Wow. Saturday, we went to BB King's bar, and a few drinks, and happened to run into another of Stephanie's online friends. We met up with him and a couple of his friends at the festival that night, and I got to meet another online poster, Sheila, who is a very nice woman. I got to see Spin Doctors, Little Feat, Jonny Lang (who is absolutely fucking amazing!), and I watched a little of Nelly's show, and a little of The Killers show. I had gotten separated from the group on our way to the stage where Jonny was playing, so I was by myself for that show. The funniest thing happened (at least it's funny in my opinion) to me after towards the end of the show. So, I'm in the crowd by myself, and every once in a while I would look around to see if I could spot Steph, Greg, Sheila or anyone else in the group. I happened to look over to my left, and there are these two guys standing, maybe 15-20 feet away from me. One of them is looking at me. I look away, and then about 5 minutes later, I notice they have moved closer. The crowd is starting to thin out, so I'm looking around more, to see if I can spot any Steph or anyone else. A couple of minutes later, these two guys are even closer, about 5 feet away. I figure it's time to move on, and see if I can get a better signal on my phone, so I can call Steph, and see where she's at. Before I leave, one of these guys comes up to me, and says he wants to tell me I have a very pretty belly. I say, "what?" and he repeats it. I'm thinking he's being a smart-ass or something. (I am a plus-size woman, and I am rather self-conscious about it. Besides, I've heard of men being an "ass-man" or a "boob-man", but the belly??) So, I say, OK, thanks, and walk off. I walk about 100 feet away, where there weren't very many people around, and try to use my phone. I'm standing there, waiting on Steph to answer, and I look around, and this guy and his friend have walked on past me about another 30-40 feet, and are both just standing there, and this guy is looking at me again. Well, Steph answers, I find out where she's at, and tell her I'm headed that way. I hang up the phone, take maybe 5 steps, and this guy has come up to me again. He asks if he offended me by saying that. He then proceeds to tell me that his last girlfriend weighed 386 pounds (and let me interject here -- first? 386? not 380, not 385, but 386? who doesn't round off to the nearest 5 when discussing weight? second? what, do I look like I weigh that much? OK, yes, I'm big, but I'm not that big), and that she carried it all in her stomach. And he meant it, I have a very pretty belly. And he wanted to make sure I wasn't offended because he meant it as a compliment. So, I said, no I'm not offended, and thank you. And I said it a lot nicer than I did the first time. Then I walked off. When I told one of my friends about this, she asked "did you get his number?" Uh, NO. "Well, did you get his?" Again, NO. Am I the only person who doesn't give out her phone number to complete strangers? I mean, I guess I could have talked and flirted a little with this guy, but ya know? sometimes you run into complete, total nutjobs. He may have been a perfectly nice guy, but I just play it safe.

So, to sum it all up -- This was a fantastic weekend, and I am so glad I went.

*sigh* I'm old...

My son made me feel real old this past week. He pointed out his mustache to me. My baby is only 13, and he has a mustache growing in! Ack! And he is shaving. My baby is growing up, which means I must be getting older, *grin*.

musings

How many people see themselves the way others do? And who has the more accurate view?

I recently reconnected with an old friend. She was telling me (she likes to psycho-analyze a bit much) that she thinks I don't let people ever see my real personality, that I always hold back. And maybe I do, but it always seems when I finally let someone in, that's when they leave.

I keep getting told that I'm this really nice person, with a big heart, etc, and I just need to be more self-confident. I'm also told that I'm cute, attractive, whatever, and that is my response, whatever... If I was so damn great, I wouldn't be sitting at home by myself every weekend, now would I? But that's because I'm too picky (so says my friend). *chuckle*

It's just strange... I mean, I don't think it's lack of self-confidence. I'm just a realist. I accept that I'm not the smartest person (but I am definitely not the dumbest either), and if people really know just how arrogant I can be, they would never accuse me of lacking in self-esteem.

Of course, to contradict myself, I think I'm starting to get a complex, lol. I was recently talking to someone about my tattoo, and why I got it, etc, and I mentioned my ex-husband, and the baggage that, after 12 years, I am finally shedding. She asked me why we divorced, did he cheat on me? Why do people assume that he cheated on me? When we first split, his mother made that assumption, too. It never occurred to me that it was even a possiblity that he was cheating. Of course, looking back, I do kind of wonder if he did. I sometimes want to ask him if he did, but I think he would lie, even after all this time.

Well, I did it

I got my tattoo...

Rut Roh!

Not so sure that I have done a good thing with Jessica and Joseph.
Jessica: I love him. I hate him. He's so sweet. He's a manwhore.

And Joseph is starting to come off as nuts! When I got up this morning, I had an email from him, begging me to talk to Jessica. "She hates me. It's going to push me over the edge." Then, he calls me at work (had to leave a voice mail, I was on another line), "call me, let me know Jessica got to work ok, I'm worried. Unless you hate me, too."

Me: WTF have I done? I have agreed to go to the Memphis in May Music festival with these two. I will be trapped in a car with these two for 3 hours one way!!!

Yay! I did it!

I managed to get Jessica and Joseph together! Damn, I'm good.

Right now, I am just one big puddle of goo. Joseph sent me an email, thanking me, and it was so beautiful (the sentiment he expressed), that I just wanted to cry. I told Jessica it's one thing for a man to tell you he loves you, and how important you are to him, but for him to tell other people about it, WOW.

*sigh* ain't love grand...

When did I become the source for advice for the lovelorn?

I find this very strange.

My friend, J, has met a couple of guys online at a game website. She's really into both of them. She keeps asking me for advice. She convinced me to come to the website to play cards with her, and has "introduced" me to her guys. Now, in addition to J asking me for advice on the relationships, and what should she do, one of the guys has started talking to me, wanting my advice and opinion on this relationship.

What really makes this whole thing bizarre, is they are asking someone who hasn't been in a relationship of any type for almost 13 years. And the last relationship I was in, was not a very good one. So, WHY would anyone take my advice?

It really sucks. J is my friend, and I feel that my first loyalty should be to her. But I really feel bad for the guy who is asking me for help. She thinks he's a total player, and doesn't trust him. But she's the one who has lied to him already, and keeps playing head games with him. She says she really loves this one, but feels more comfortable with the other. I hate that she is hurting Joseph. And she is hurting him. She doesn't think she is, but I know what he tells me.

UGH!!!!

Even more bizarre to me is I am actually taking the man's side in this. How the hell did that happen??? I never take the man's side. And yet, in this instance, I just would like to smack Jessica, and tell her to either commit to Joseph, or let him go. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. No one deserves to be treated like this. To have someone just toy with you, and keep you on a string, is just horrible.

What is it that brings people together?

I see other people with their close, intimate friendships, and I wonder how do you get there? What is it that makes people care about each other? And more importantly, why don't I have it? Yes, I know people care about me, but I feel it's always more of the transient type friendship. If tomorrow I dropped off the face of the earth, it would be no big deal. I might be missed for a few days, but then forgotten. What is it about me that keeps me from having deeper relationships?