If you and a friend stop speaking, and you miss that friend, but you've let it go so long, and she hasn't tried to contact you, and you haven't contacted her, would you try again? Would it matter how long it's been since you spoke?
If you and another friend seem to be drifting apart, would you mention it to her? Would that seem too needy and clingy? Or would you just let it go, and mark it down to a friendship that wasn't meant to be forever?
If you had emailed casually back and forth a few times with someone that you really thought you could be good friends with (and maybe a little more), but they had not responded to your last email, would you just shrug it off, or would you attempt contact again?
If you needed more from a friendship than what you were getting, would you say anything?
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11 comments:
I'm going to take the question as you asked and answer what I would do, as opposed to what you should do or even what I should do.
And the answer is....
It depends.
1)If I was curious as to how the person was doing, I would try to get in touch. If I had bad feelings towards them I wouldn't.
2)I wouldn't mention it specifically. I might ask a little more about what was happening in her/his life. Friendships wax and wane and wax.
3) I'd contact them again. After maybe 3 unanswered emails, I'd drop it. The worst case scenario is they have to hit the delete button three times.
4)I would never tell a friend I needed more from a friendship. It's not something I would ever say. If I wanted more from a friendship I would just try to spend more time with them.
Yes, to all of the above. The friend who you haven't spoken to in ages may be feeling the same way and feel unable to bridge the gap. The distant friend may not realize that your friendship has been placed on the backburner. The friend who isn't around as much may just have more going on at the moment. And...it is never needy or clingy to tell a friend you miss them being around.
And, if for whatever reason, it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to, you can at least be happy with yourself that you tried one last time.
*smooch*
The peeps posting above me are very, very smart! I can't say it better than they did, so I'll just *smooch* you!
It's hard to say not knowing the history, but if you didn't stop talking because of bad blood or an argument, there's nothing wrong with contacting them. Maybe offer to go meet for coffee or lunch? It's gonna be awkward no matter how you do it though. One might think the other was mad at them or didn't like them anymore.
This happens with me and Carey a lot. We won't talk forever - just caught up in our own stuff. Then suddenly we do. The last time I think we both thought the other was mad or something.
It's hard to put yourself out there and make the first move, but if it's worth it to you, take a chance. What's the worst that can happen? Either is opens another chapter or closes it. Right?
Funnily enough, I just got in touch with two friends I haven't seen or talked to for almost two years. It was great to talk to them (oh, and BOB! Our lawyer friend, C of the border collie, is GETTING MARRIED!).
Otherwise, what Bob said.
Heh, I think I know who you are talking about. I would make the attempt. It's worth it.
I thought Of Mikki D when I read this and what she said is true. We drift in and out of constant contact and a couple of times it was because we thought the other was mad. But somehow we always re hook up. We'll be friends for life whether we speak once a day or once a year.
I think you can mention the drifting. Maybe the other person just doesn't realize you are drifting. Maybe the other person feels the same way and doesn't want to bring it up. Either way, what do you have to lose?
I woud attempt contact again. Heh, just today Mikki D emailed me and wondered why I had not responded to her last email and as it ends up, I never got it. Things get lost in the shuffle sometimes.
a yeara ago, I would have said yes. Now? I'm not so sure how to answer this. I'm not saying no but I'm not saying a resounding yes either.
C is geting married?
Mr Bob wants to know if it's one of her defendents.
Otherwise congratulations and all sorts of good stuff!
Apologies for threadjacking. But, in some ways it isn't as it's an example of being totally not in touch with someone for a long time , but still glad to hear from/of them.
Well, I'm trying to get up the nerve to contact the friend I haven't spoken to since August. I have a very good excuse to contact her - she had loaned me a cookbook and a novel that I need to return, and just have been too much of a chickenshit to go back to her house because of our fall out. I had thought about going by when I was sure she wouldn't be home, and just dropping them off on her doorstep, but that seemed like even more of a chickenshit thing to do. As far as the worst that could happen, she could refuse to speak to me, which would be exactly where we're at now, so at least I would know that door is closed for good. So, thanks everyone for the advice on that, and I will keep update after I build up my nerve.
Regarding the drifting, and what's the worst that could happen, this is where my insecurities come to play. This friendship, this person, means the world to me. What if I mention the drifting, and the answer is that I and our friendship just don't mean that much to her? I guess it's always better to know the truth and where you really stand, but it would crush me.
And I think I will email Niall one more time - it was around Christmas the last time I emailed, and I know that's a busy time for everyone, so the email may have just gotten lost in the shuffle. Or not, but like Bob said, the worst that could happen there is he just has to hit the delete key.
I've had that first situation happen. My best friend and I had a big falling out several years ago. We didn't speak for about 2 years, until she called me up one day. It was awkward, it was weird, but I'm glad she did. We are friends again, though not the best friends we once were. But I'm still glad to have her in my life.
As for the drifing friend, I would bring it up. Let them know that you miss them and that you want them in your life.
Seems like you've already answered that third question, go for it!
I'm not sure how to answer that last question. I'll have to think about that.
*smooches*
well I was gonna say...I just saw you last week but you're not talkin about me *pout* hehe....ok the others have already said all the smart stuff so I'll just agree.
I've had the same bestest friend since High School. She moved to Connecticut in HS and we stayed in touch. Then she moved to Tennessee and we stayed in touch. Then she moved to Nothern Virginia and we stayed in touch. About 6 years ago we had a misunderstanding and didn't get in touch for 2 years. I was in so much pain over it. My son kept saying that I shouldn't let a little thing interrupt a life-time friendship. I did call her finally because I was going to be in DC and asked if we could get together. We did which lead to another period of staying in touch. Then 3 years ago she moved to Tennessee again and suddenly her number didn't work. I agonized again. She called me three weeks ago and it's like it never happened. She had some issues to work out. I didn't ask specifically why she didn't call me but I did say that I'd needed her a couple of times the last couple of years.
My bestest friend at work here, we drift in and out of constant contact. She has a new man and I do too, so we haven't been in very close contact recently. We were together for her birthday two weeks ago and it was like the distance was never there. With this one I never appear too clingy. She's got other friends that are too clingy.
so . .
1. Take my son's advice and don't let something little affect a true friendship.
2. I won't put too much pressure on a friend, although I'd keep in contact and see if I could fit more time with her into her schedule.
3. After a couple (2-3) of friendly e-mails, if I didn't get a response I'd call her (if I had the number) and see if I could tell in her voice. Then, if there isn't any response I'd let her make the first move next time.
4. This is lengthly, but I'm getting the feeling that maybe you aren't very good at direct conversation - I'm not either! If you need some support at this time you need to say "I really need some company, can you come over (can I come over) sometime this week." A true friend will make time.
Maybe not making sense - I dunno if I am or not.
*smooches** - and when I'm blue I like to drive my car on a nice sunny day through the country.
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