Do-over

Today just sucks. I want a do-over.

Question for the day: Is it a good thing that a male friend/co-worker feels comfortable enough with me to ask if it's "that time of the month" when I tell him that I am just in a "mood"?

Yay me!

I had an appointment with my doctor Tuesday, for a follow up on my diabetes and high blood pressure. Since my last visit in August, I have lost 23 pounds. I had lost 7 pounds on that visit, so, since July, I have lost 30 pounds! My blood pressure was better, too.

Someone at work commented that she could tell I was losing weight. I am so happy that it is finally starting to be noticeable.

So, 30 down, and ### to go. What? Did you really think I would say just how much I really need to lose? Let's just say it's a lot, and leave it at that. :)

Tattoo?

*deep breath*

I'm taking the plunge... After years of wanting one, but being afraid of the pain, I am going to get a tattoo! I will go this evening to meet with the artist to hopefully convey what it is I want. I want a pegasus, on my right shoulder blade. It can't look too cartoon-y, but not evil and mean, either. I want it rearing up, with an awesome wing span. I'm not sure about the color. The guy I talked to Monday night, said they couldn't do white (that was the picture I showed him), but that they could do it with blues and it would have a white appearance. He suggested going with a grey tattoo, but that's not what I want. I want it colored, I just don't know how much color I'm comfortable with. I just hope I can explain to the artist what I want.

My life is turning into a soap opera

I dodged one bullet, but I don't know how to dodge the second one.

A week ago, I had went out to dinner with some friends to celebrate two of them getting married. Everything's great, the food is good, the champagne is flowing, and one of the men says we should celebrate more often. Well, it's not every day that someone gets married, and someone said something to that effect. Everyone then looks at me, since I was the only single one at the table. I throw up my hands, say find me someone, and we'll celebrate!

Why, oh why, didn't I engage the brain before speaking?

Apparently, this is the opening that one of the women has been waiting for. She has the "perfect man" for me. It's her brother, who lives in Florida. Oh, wow. I tell her sure, I'd love to meet him. (Kicking myself ever since those words came out of mouth.) Then she proceeds to tell me all about him. Lessee, he's not that attractive (ok), he's tall and skinny (all right), and he's missing a front tooth (slams on brakes!). I'm sorry, call me shallow, but this is a real issue for me. He's been married before. His wife left him for a woman she met on the internet. He's totally mold-able (huh?), I can make him into whatever I want. (So I can turn him into Brad Pitt, Mark McGrath or Rob Thomas? Cool!) He just wants to be married. That's what he wants more than anything. And he likes big women. (This is repeated to me 4 times. Am I supposed to be grateful at this point? And who said anything about marriage? Oh, wait, I may have given that impression, but whoa!) She will fly him up here to meet me. And the whole distance thing? Not a problem - he would be glad to move. (Warning! Warning, Will Rogers! Danger! Danger! RUN LIKE HELL!)

She calls me a couple of days later to talk further about the possibility of me meeting her brother, and says she would like for me to let him stay at my house while he's here. (WTF????) She can bring him up here for a weekend or a whole week. But if he comes for the week, he will probably lose his job. But that's ok, she doesn't think he's really enthused with that job anyway. (Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Give me a man who doesn't care if he's unemployed or not! Whoo, Baby! I am so there! Ok, you do recognise that this is sarcasm, right?) She also mentions that she has agreed to pay him $1000 if we don't hit it off. I'm in shock over the whole inviting him to sleep at my house. (Hello? total stranger? I don't think so!) But I do have enough presence of mind to say I don't think the whole week would be good.

Thursday night, she brings me a picture of him. You are not going to believe this. Dude looks like someone took my oldest brother, and one of my cousins, and combined their features. Not that this is a bad thing, but I can't date someone who looks like I'm related to them. I just can't. Ew, ew, ew! I tell my friend this, that her brother looks too much like my brother for me to go for that. I also tell her that I am just not comfortable with having him stay at my house. She says we can talk more about that later. At this point, I do not want to meet this guy at all. Period. End of subject. Because I am a total woose (wuse?), I don't tell my friend this. Instead, I wait and talk to her boyfriend, who happens to work at the same office as me. He talks to her, then Saturday, she tells me that she & BF discussed it, and maybe it would be better if the brother and I talk on the phone before she brings him up here. *phew, big sigh of relief!*

He has already called me 3 times. Monday, I wasn't home, so he left a voice mail. Tonight, he called, we talked some - but I'M SICK! AND I TOLD HIM THIS! DOES HE SHUT UP AND LET ME GO? NO! HE KEEPS TALKING! He gets another call, asks he if can call me back. Sure, why the hell not? I'M JUST SICK AND NEED TO GO TO SLEEP IS ALL! So he calls back. (Be still, my beating heart.) He asks me what are some of the things I like to do. Hmmm, reading, bowling, and the internet. He starts asking what websites I go to, and what my screen name is. Excuse me? I'm not telling you where to find me. Finally, after I say I'm sick for about the 10th time, I tell him I really am not feeling well and need to go. He asks if he can call me tomorrow.

I've got to get caller ID.

Personality traits

It's funny, but there are certain personality traits that I possess, that when I see them in other people, that are just down-right annoying. In the other person, that is.

For example, I can be just a little pushy. I know this, and I do try to keep it reined in. But pushiness in other people gets on my last nerve. Saturday night, I was at a get-together at a co-worker's house, and another co-worker was being so pushy. She was telling our hostess where to set the food, started moving stuff around, telling the host how to grill the shish kebobs, etc. It was horrible! Later that evening, I was apologizing once again to another co-worker for not inviting her to my "fun party" that I had thrown Thursday night, and explaining that I thought she would have been offended at the whole concept of the fun party. I didn't invite anyone without first checking with 3 or 4 other people if they thought the potential invitee would come to this type of party, or would be absolutely horrified at the thought. Well, pushy woman butts into the conversation, and says, "WE didn't want to invite people who would be ....." I cut her off there. There was no "We" to it. It was my party, if I offended anyone, then I'm sorry.

But the sheer ballsy-ness of her! Surely, I'm not that annoying when I'm being pushy. Ha ha!

my favorite e.e. cummings poem

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

Friday night bowling

Well, tonight begins 10 weeks of public humiliation. That's right, our bowling league season kicks off tonight. My team, the Lucky Strikes, will be the fun team, which is just as well, cuz we sure aren't the good team. LOL. We have matching shirts for this season - from Big Dog - the back says "Grab your balls and let's go bowling". I forgot to replace the tiara from last year that we would pass around for being the Gutter Ball Queen. I hope I will be able bowl better and have a higher score than in the 70's. Maybe if I spent more time concentrating on my game instead of food and booze - nah, scratch that, bring more booze!

Update: I still suck at bowling, but damn we had fun. LMAO. Jessica fell twice, and I had my camera with me! Then for some unknown reason, we all started taking pictures of each others butt. Can't wait to get the film developed tomorrow (actually, later this morning). Will post some of the pics then.

faith

I think I am having a bit of a crisis in my faith. I just don't know if what I believe is right, or if I should explore other options. I guess the crux of the matter is, when following what your particular religion teaches leads to personal unhappiness, do you continue to follow your beliefs and be unhappy, or do you disregard that teaching?

My situation relates to divorce, and the "acceptable" reasons for divorce. What I have been taught through the church (brought up as a Baptist), is that there is one reason, and one reason only for divorce. That is adultery. If you divorce for any other reason, and then re-marry, you are then committing adultery. If your spouse remarries after you divorced them, then you have caused them to commit adultery. So, in my case, adultery was not the reason. To my knowledge, my ex-H never cheated on me. And even if I was to find out that he did, in fact, cheat on me, that still wasn't why I divorced him, so it wouldn't count. So, I have to bear the burden of I have caused him to commit adultery when he remarried. Plus, I can never remarry.

Am I really supposed to be alone for the rest of my life, because I made a bad judgment, and married someone that I could not spend the rest of my life with? I've had this discussion with other people before, but I never feel like they have ever offered any proof that it would not be considered a sin to do otherwise. My friend Pat had told me that God doesn't want us to be unhappy, and that no woman should have to take being beaten or anything (ftr, my ex never beat me, he only slapped me twice). My ex-MIL told me that the Bible also says that a man who doesn't take care of his family is worse than a dog, and that I shouldn't refuse to ever re-marry - that I should not be alone for the rest of my life. Which is great, but show me where I won't be sinning if I do that.

Which brings me to my other dilemma. Part of my religious upbringing has taught me that all sins can be forgiven, but once forgiven, you are to not commit that sin again (or at least try to resist the temptation). But, if remarrying would be committing adultery, but I did it anyway, and I asked forgiveness, then wouldn't staying married to the 2nd husband be committing adultery again and again? It would appear that the marriage would cause a perpetual sin.

Not that any of this really matters (other than the whole causing my ex to commit adultery - Oh, just thought of another question on that - am I responsible for each act of adultery for his multiple remarriages, or only the first remarriage?), it's not like I have any prospects of remarriage any time soon, anyway. I just would like to know if I should ever even be open to the possibility of it.

Rushing the holidays

Why won't retailers let us enjoy one holiday before shoving the next one down our throats? I stopped off at the grocery store on Christmas Eve, and what do I see, but Valentine Cards??? Please! I mean, really, can't they just hold that until the middle of January? It's not like the majority of people don't wait until the last minute anyway. I hate Valentine's Day. OK, yeah, I'm bitter and jealous. Other than the three years I was married, I never had a "sweetie" at VD anyway. My ex got me something the first year we were married, but I don't remember getting anything the other two. It was kind of sweet, but he pissed me off first. We didn't have the money for him to buy me anything, which was fine, but he could have picked some flowers out of my mom's yard for me. I told him that, too. He refused. Then later, he drew a picture of flowers, and wrote a little poem for me. I don't remember the exact wording, but it said something about loving me even if he wouldn't steal flowers out of someone's yard to prove it. It was sweet. Then, when he got paid later that week, he went to the florist, and bought, I think, a single red rose, and a couple of daisys.

I know it's silly to get all hung up on one day, but sometimes, you need the gesture. For me, it wouldn't be, oh, he has to buy me a dozen roses, and a big box of candy, and a huge card with sickeningly sweet words on it. Truthfully, one flower (and it wouldn't have to be a rose), and even just a kiddie valentine would mean so much.

self-destructive

I know I am being self-destructive, but it's hard to change a lifetime behaviour habit. It's like I can't let myself be happy. Or I am trying to prevent myself from getting hurt. Whatever. I've got to stop it. Been drinking way too much, but at least I'm not over-eating, right? And then on the emotional side, I'm doing my "pull away before they get to close" act. Cause after all, if you don't care about someone, and don't let them in your heart (and I'm talking about friendship as well as romantic relationship), then they can't hurt you. Be the uber-bitch, drive them away, and don't get hurt. But I've got to take the risk of being hurt. Because if I don't take that risk, I will never know the possiblity of what good could come from it. Of course, it's easy to sit here and type this. It's so much harder to actually change my behaviour.

My ex sux, part 2

Background: Since our divorce in 93, my ex normally gets our son around son's birthday in July, usually the weekend after Thanksgiving, and either a few days before Christmas or a few days after Christmas. I always have my son with me on Christmas. The ex always waits until the last minute to ask to have him, and I try to be accommodating, but have always refused to let him have son on Christmas day or birthday. Usually, I have already requested my vacation time for Christmas holidays, and make him take other week. This year? I didn't do that. Even though I had already requested the week after Christmas off from work, I agreed to let him have son that week. I even agreed that he could pick him up on Christmas Eve, and not bring him back until after New Years. After these arrangements were made, my son got into some trouble, and also requested to move back to Arkansas to live with my parents. So, I moved him back over Thanksgiving. I had planned to not go to my parents' home for Christmas, since son wouldn't b with me anyway, and made arrangements to spend the day with a good friend, who has been nice enough to open her home to me for that day.

So, what has me all ticked off today? My mom calls me this morning at my son's request. They haven't heard from his dad yet, and he was supposed to be picking son up today. Could I please call him and see what's going on? And yes, there is bad weather, and he is an OTR trucker, and is probably stuck somewhere, blah, blah, blah. So I call him. He is in Tennessee, has been since Wednesday. Trying to make it back to Arkansas, but stuck on interstate, going 2 miles per hour. Says, "I guess I should have called them". NO FREAKING DUH, YOU MORON! His excuse? He kept forgetting. Then he says, no I didn't forget about him, I just forgot to take my phone in the restaurant with me. Then trots out lame excuse of being over minutes. Asks would I call and tell them? Because I am such an accommodating person, I agree to do this. He will not call them until he gets home, and it will probably be a couple of days after Christmas before he will be able to pick son up. So, here I am, in Tennesse, alone on Christmas, not spending it with my family, and he's not even going to get son until after that. I could have driven down, spent the holidays with family. And then, I had to call my son, and tell him that his dad would not be picking him up for a few days, and wouldn't be calling him today either. He's crying, he's upset, and I just want to take a bat and beat my ex over the head with it. My son deserves so much better than to be treated like an afterthought by his dad.

What I want...

I was chatting the other night, and we were talking about what we look for in a man. I made the typical comments about cute butt, etc, but none of that really matters. I want someone who is going to love me, regardless of how I look, and can see inside me, past the bitchy attitude I use as my defense, and likes what he finds there. I want someone who is going to treat me good, and I don't mean buy me material things. Someone who will hold me when I'm down, and will be there with me when I'm up. My perfect someone won't be perfect, but neither am I. But that won't matter to either of us. And he will inspire me to be the good person he sees when he looks at me. And, I can't stress this enough, he will love me. The real me. Not the me that I try to be to make others like me.

My ex-husband sux

I am so pissed at my ex right now. He is so friggin' unbelievable! Yet, I shouldn't be surprised at this latest thing, it's so typically him. OK, so our son gets into some trouble, and I need money for legal fees. $3500, to be exact. I can get cash advances on my credit cards, and my parents loan me $1K, but I'm still $700 short. When I tell the ex about the situation, he actually offered to help out. So, after I determine how much I will need, he says he has that much, and will send me a money order. Great, that's one less thing I'm having to worry about, with everything that's going on. So, today, after my son has a detention hearing, prior to setting the court date, I'm talking to jerk-face, and he asks do I still need that much money? This is after I told him I had to post bond on our son! Then proceeds to tell me that he needs part of that money so he can go visit his fiancee in Ohio over Christmas. This visit? was already planned, but now he needs that money to finance it. I'm sorry, but I so do not care if he can't spend Christmas with his GF, if that means keeping our son out of jail. And another thing that pisses me off, is I had actually been in the mind frame that I would consider this a loan, and would pay him back. Or, at least, report to the child support agency, the payment to reduce the amount of back child support (he currently owes over $7500 in back support). And that's another thing. His child support is only $40/week. I have never, in the 11 years that we've been divorced, gone back and asked for more. Admittedly, I did turn him in for non-payment after 2-3 years, but I think I have been more than reasonable.