self-destructive

I know I am being self-destructive, but it's hard to change a lifetime behaviour habit. It's like I can't let myself be happy. Or I am trying to prevent myself from getting hurt. Whatever. I've got to stop it. Been drinking way too much, but at least I'm not over-eating, right? And then on the emotional side, I'm doing my "pull away before they get to close" act. Cause after all, if you don't care about someone, and don't let them in your heart (and I'm talking about friendship as well as romantic relationship), then they can't hurt you. Be the uber-bitch, drive them away, and don't get hurt. But I've got to take the risk of being hurt. Because if I don't take that risk, I will never know the possiblity of what good could come from it. Of course, it's easy to sit here and type this. It's so much harder to actually change my behaviour.