My life is turning into a soap opera

I dodged one bullet, but I don't know how to dodge the second one.

A week ago, I had went out to dinner with some friends to celebrate two of them getting married. Everything's great, the food is good, the champagne is flowing, and one of the men says we should celebrate more often. Well, it's not every day that someone gets married, and someone said something to that effect. Everyone then looks at me, since I was the only single one at the table. I throw up my hands, say find me someone, and we'll celebrate!

Why, oh why, didn't I engage the brain before speaking?

Apparently, this is the opening that one of the women has been waiting for. She has the "perfect man" for me. It's her brother, who lives in Florida. Oh, wow. I tell her sure, I'd love to meet him. (Kicking myself ever since those words came out of mouth.) Then she proceeds to tell me all about him. Lessee, he's not that attractive (ok), he's tall and skinny (all right), and he's missing a front tooth (slams on brakes!). I'm sorry, call me shallow, but this is a real issue for me. He's been married before. His wife left him for a woman she met on the internet. He's totally mold-able (huh?), I can make him into whatever I want. (So I can turn him into Brad Pitt, Mark McGrath or Rob Thomas? Cool!) He just wants to be married. That's what he wants more than anything. And he likes big women. (This is repeated to me 4 times. Am I supposed to be grateful at this point? And who said anything about marriage? Oh, wait, I may have given that impression, but whoa!) She will fly him up here to meet me. And the whole distance thing? Not a problem - he would be glad to move. (Warning! Warning, Will Rogers! Danger! Danger! RUN LIKE HELL!)

She calls me a couple of days later to talk further about the possibility of me meeting her brother, and says she would like for me to let him stay at my house while he's here. (WTF????) She can bring him up here for a weekend or a whole week. But if he comes for the week, he will probably lose his job. But that's ok, she doesn't think he's really enthused with that job anyway. (Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Give me a man who doesn't care if he's unemployed or not! Whoo, Baby! I am so there! Ok, you do recognise that this is sarcasm, right?) She also mentions that she has agreed to pay him $1000 if we don't hit it off. I'm in shock over the whole inviting him to sleep at my house. (Hello? total stranger? I don't think so!) But I do have enough presence of mind to say I don't think the whole week would be good.

Thursday night, she brings me a picture of him. You are not going to believe this. Dude looks like someone took my oldest brother, and one of my cousins, and combined their features. Not that this is a bad thing, but I can't date someone who looks like I'm related to them. I just can't. Ew, ew, ew! I tell my friend this, that her brother looks too much like my brother for me to go for that. I also tell her that I am just not comfortable with having him stay at my house. She says we can talk more about that later. At this point, I do not want to meet this guy at all. Period. End of subject. Because I am a total woose (wuse?), I don't tell my friend this. Instead, I wait and talk to her boyfriend, who happens to work at the same office as me. He talks to her, then Saturday, she tells me that she & BF discussed it, and maybe it would be better if the brother and I talk on the phone before she brings him up here. *phew, big sigh of relief!*

He has already called me 3 times. Monday, I wasn't home, so he left a voice mail. Tonight, he called, we talked some - but I'M SICK! AND I TOLD HIM THIS! DOES HE SHUT UP AND LET ME GO? NO! HE KEEPS TALKING! He gets another call, asks he if can call me back. Sure, why the hell not? I'M JUST SICK AND NEED TO GO TO SLEEP IS ALL! So he calls back. (Be still, my beating heart.) He asks me what are some of the things I like to do. Hmmm, reading, bowling, and the internet. He starts asking what websites I go to, and what my screen name is. Excuse me? I'm not telling you where to find me. Finally, after I say I'm sick for about the 10th time, I tell him I really am not feeling well and need to go. He asks if he can call me tomorrow.

I've got to get caller ID.