Things I know intellectually, but emotionally keep trying to believe otherwise:
I will not find happiness at the bottom of a chip bag or an ice cream tub.
The happiness I think I find in the bottom of a wine bottle or other liquor bottle is not real.
No one is to blame for my feeling miserable, unloved and lonely except myself.
I will never truly be loved until I can love myself. I just don't know how to get to that point.
Not trusting people to be there, not believing that they really could care, is self-destructive.
Withdrawing from people or acting in a bitchy manner towards them to drive them away is just a self-fulfilling prophecy, ensuring that they *won't* be there.
I will never be as important to certain people as they are to me. Knowing and accepting this is probably a good thing, but it still hurts.
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5 comments:
I hear you, {{{Arkie}}}. It took a long time before I felt really comfortable just being myself.
There was this girl I asked out in college; she was the sports editor of the school paper. She rather politely turned me down. But that summer, she wrote me this really nice letter in which she said many of the same things you just voiced. It meant more to me to hear that than if we had dated. (Ironically, she lives in my town now!)
I think I spent most of college feeling sorry for myself and wanting some girl to lift me out of my funk. Little did I realize I was making myself completely unattractive to anyone by doing so.
In order to accept myself as I'd like to be, I had to start by embracing myself as I was, and stop running away from myself. That allowed others to start liking me as I was too, most notably my wife of 11 years.
And you're okay as you are. Really. God don't make junk.
*smooch*
One other thing; I've also been to the school of "I don't know how to make this succeed, but I know I have the power to make it fail." I still have to surrender my fear of success.
Good. Sounds like you are ready to put down the shovel and stop digging yourself new rock bottoms. In the 12 step biz we call that sick and tired of being sick and tired and gettting ready to face the depth of your personal pain and darknes.
And you know what I bet scares you more than all this darkness? Your own personal light.
We are born feeling light and love. We learn darkness and fear.
Lots of times, healing is more of a process of unlearning than learning. And if you think about it, that is good news.
I have something for you. I want you to give it a try. Email me your address?
PS Ahkie, this New Year's crap is all contrived. Give yourself permision to ignore it. One day at a time darling. New Year's is no different from all the other days. People just like to pretend it is so they can feel a faux good about fresh starts and grand promises. Steady and easy does it.
Oh and I love you lots.
*smooches Arkie*
Monsty, I don't seem to have your email address, so I've sent you a PM at the other place with my address.
Thanks, Cyg.
Geez, now I'm getting weepy after reading your and Monsty's responses, so I'm just going to leave it at thanks.
*smooches* to Cyg, Monsty, and Swami.
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