Bah! Humbug!

*sigh* I want to go to sleep and when I wake up, I want it to be January 2. I used to love Christmas time. I loved buying gifts for people, wrapping the presents, and just couldn’t wait to see the peoples’ faces when they opened the presents, to see if they liked what I gave them. I would have to make myself NOT buy something for someone because I had already picked up more for them than I had planned. But I couldn’t help it – I would see something and think, “Oh, that would be perfect for so-and-so.” I loved going through the stores and looking at all the Christmas decorations, and picking up more stuff to decorate my home. I couldn’t wait to put up a tree and decorate it. I loved seeing houses decorated with lights, and felt like I could just watch the lights for hours. Making special treats and sharing them with others. Picking out Christmas cards and mailing them. Watching all the Christmas specials on TV – Rudolph, Here Comes Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, the Charlie Brown Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street. But this year, I’m not feeling it. I don’t see anything in the stores and think of someone, anyone. I have no interest in looking at lights. I haven’t even walked through the Christmas section in any of the stores I’ve been in, unless it was a shortcut for where I was headed. And in those cases, I didn’t slow down and look at anything. I signed up for the Secret Santa at OT, and now, kind of wished I hadn’t. I have a couple of ideas of what I’m going to get my giftee, but I’m not putting the same thought and consideration into it as I have in the past. If he/she likes it, great, and if he/she doesn’t, so what? I signed up for the cookie exchange, and now am feeling stressed about it. I can’t even decide *what* to make. How hard is it to decide what kind of cookie to make? Yet, I can’t seem to do it. I don’t want to spend Christmas with my family this year. It’s getting harder and harder to spend any length of time with them and not just lose my cool. And it’s not over anything big. People are getting on my nerves just by breathing. I’m feeling like a total Scrooge, but part of me doesn’t care that I’m feeling anti-social and selfish and self-centered.