Karma, fate, whatever, it's a bitch sometimes

I first starting going to a chat room last September (I think it was September). I remember the first time I was in there, 2 of the peeps were talking about flirting online, and how it's not a good idea, etc, and neither of them do that because some people let their emotions get involved. I thought to myself, what kind of loser gets emotionally involved with someone that they haven't actually met?

Well, apparently, I'm that kind of loser. I started flirting with a man, and it was all fun and games for a while, and then, somehow, I started developing feelings for him. Deep feelings. I fell in love. *laughs at self* I laugh, so maybe I won't cry. I love him, and he says he "cares" for me. Unfortunately, we live very far apart, and he doesn't see that as something that could be overcome. I think it could be, if we both really wanted it.

Oh, what is that saying? There is none so blind as won't see. Sometimes I think that's me. I want to believe that this guy could actually love me, and that it could actually be real, so I ignore the signs that say, while he might care about me as a friend, that's all there is to it. But I've asked him before to just tell me point blank that it won't ever happen, and he won't say that. He doesn't want to meet, he won't do phone calls, but he won't tell me it's just not going to ever be more than what it is right now. Maybe he thinks that would hurt me, but as long as he refuses to say it, I will keep hanging on. I tell myself I could move on if he would do that, but honestly, I don't want to move on. I want this. I want my dream to come true. I want that "happy-ever-after" that the fairy tales promise.

I get so angry at the whole situation. Why do I "meet" someone who is everything I want in a mate/lover/?, and he has to be over 800 miles away? It's so unfair. I know, life is unfair. That's just the way it is sometimes. But this? really sucks.

He told me the other night that he is starting to look for someone... I truly hope he finds someone he can love, and will love him. He is a very special person, and deserves to find happiness. If he does find someone, I hope she appreciates how very lucky she is to have him in her life. I just wish it could be me.