Reminiscing

I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about past memories, and have been wanting to blog about some of those things. This may not be interesting to anyone but myself, but I'm going to indulge myself anyway.

I don't remember the exact date, but I do know which night I got pregnant with arkieboy. (Warning: this post may cross over into the TMI zone quite frequently and without any further warnings. Read further at your own risk.) I know which night it was, because I did not get up immediately after my then DH (*shudders* at the thought of referring to him as DH, unless it stands for dickhead, because then it fits.) and I had sex. I had wanted to have a baby so much, and I had been off of birth control for over a year. I would get so upset each month when my period started. It was actually at the point that DH had said he wanted us to stop trying because he didn't like seeing me upset like that. I'm not really sure why I wanted to have a child with him so badly. Our marriage was not were it needed to be, so maybe I thought a child would bring us together? Maybe make me have deeper feelings for him?

I think I need to back up even further on this. I honestly don't know if I ever truly loved my ex-husband. I think I said I loved him because he said he loved me, and I felt obligated to return it. I married him because I lived in a small town, the selection of potential husbands/mates/whatever was practically non-existent, and I was so afraid that if I didn't marry *him*, I would never get married. So, with that being the basis of my "love" for him, you can probably guess that we did not have the greatest of relationships after a year or so of marriage. We had actually only known each other for about 9 months when we married. To be honest, I wasn't so sure I wanted to marry him by the time we got married, but I have a very immature level of stubbornness. My mom and some of my co-workers had been telling me I shouldn't marry him, I didn't love him, blah, blah, blah. And that is one of the quickest ways to get me to do something stupid - tell me I don't know my own mind and what I'm thinking. So I had to "prove" to them that marrying him was *not* a bad decision on my part. But I can't completely regret my marriage, because if not for that, I wouldn't have my son.

So, after after being married for a little over a year, I got pregnant. I had started being sick at work, and was throwing up every day after lunch for about a week or two. I was so unaware and not in tune with my body, that I had no suspicion of being pregnant until a co-worker asked if that was a possibility after I was complaining of this weird "virus" I had, that I was sick every day, but only after lunch. When she asked me that, it just clicked that yes, I was late. Since I worked at a nursing home, and the lab company we used for our residents' lab work offered free lab work to employees, I had a blood test sent off to see if I was pregnant. Of course, when it came back, I had to ask the Director of Nursing to interpret the results for me. I was pregnant. When I told DH, he thought I was lying/joking.

The whole pregnancy was a surreal time for me. I never really felt the baby move until I was about 6-7 months along. The most amazing thing to me was getting to hear his heartbeat for the first time. The ultrasound didn't really do anything for me. People at work wanted to see the ultrasound pictures, and I made the comment that it just looked like a blob to me, not a baby. But hearing that heartbeat. God, it was such a big moment for me. Note that I said "for me". DH would not go to the doctor's appointments with me. For the first few visits, he would take me to the doctor, drop me off, and either cruise around or go to Wal-Mart until time to pick me up. He wouldn't even go in with me for the ultrasound, because he didn't like hospitals. After that, my mom took me.

Working at the nursing home meant working with mostly women. There were a couple of men who worked there, but the majority was women. Women can be such bitches to other women sometimes. Well, to be fair, humans can be such asses to each other sometimes. Anyway, one of my fellow employees had asked me at one point, in a rather snide voice, if the doctor had told me to start watching my weight gain yet. Because I didn't need to "balloon out". (Just because *your daughter* gained 100 pounds while pregnant doesn't mean other people are ballooning out, bitch.) Luckily for me, I could honestly say that the doctor had just told me that I was doing EXCELLENT on my weight. From my first visit at approximately 6 weeks until two days before my c-section, I had only gained 9 pounds. Of course, I couldn't eat chocolate, ice cream, anything else sweet or fried foods without getting sick, so I ate very healthy while I was pregnant. I also walked a lot. Mainly because my DH kept the car, and didn't get off work until several hours after me (he worked as a farm hand), so I walked home from work. We didn't have a phone, so if I needed to call my mother, I had to walk 5-6 blocks to the pay phone. That same woman asked me if I had felt the baby move (I think I was 5 months then), and when I said no, she said there must be something wrong with the baby because EVERYONE feels the baby move by 4 months.

I had went past my due date of July 10, and the doctor had me coming in 3x a week to check me. Like I said up there *points up*, I had only gained 9 pounds until two days before the doctor decided to do a c-section. The baby had still not dropped, there were no signs of labor pains, and from the 17th to the 19th, I had gained 20 pounds. (I think it was 20. For some reason, I'm thinking that it might have actually been more, but I'll stick with 20 because I don't want to exaggerate.) I was highly offended that the nurse didn't reweigh me, to make sure the scales weren't off. So, I gained 20 pounds, my blood pressure was extremely high, and the doc wanted me to go to the hospital for observation until my b/p went down. This through me into a tailspin, and I started crying when I went out to the waiting room to tell my mom and sister that he was sending me over to the hospital. In the "arkie can be so clueless" category, instead of getting in my mom's car and having her drive me, because the hospital was next to the doctor's office, I walked over. The labor and delivery area that I needed to go to was in the far end of the hospital. It probably took me about 15 minutes to walk there. This, while having such high b/p that the doctor thought I needed to be in an observation bed. I'm sure that really helped the b/p level.

After I got over there, and they put me in a bed, I lay there for about 20 minutes. Then the nurse came in and said they were going to go ahead and do the c-section because it was Friday evening, I would probably go into labor in the next day or so, and the delivery team did not want to be called in over the weekend, so they were just going to get it out of the way. To this day, I still wonder if there was something more going on, but the doctor didn't want to tell me.

Because I was having a c-section, I had to have an epidural. They have me sitting on this gurney, my belly out to here *holds hand far away from body*, and they tell me to bend over my stomach and arch my back. More, more. I'm sorry, the belly does not have any "give" to it. I can only hunch over so far. Ugh. Then they had me lay down, and they put a blanket across my chest, and strapped my arms down. They put up a blanket over my belly, so I couldn't see anything that was going on. The anesthesiologist kept telling me to quit moving. But the blanket kept sliding down on my throat, and I can't stand to have anything on my neck. They said the blanket was to keep me from getting cold, but I don't get cold. I wanted them to take it off of me, but they wouldn't. The c-section surgery was strange. I couldn't feel anything, but I did know when they had cut all the way through, because I felt my belly fall to either side. The official birth time was 6:18 pm. I didn't hear arkieboy cry for a few minutes. I was starting to get worried because I couldn't see anything because of the barrier they had hanging, and I couldn't hear anything - nothing was being said. But as they were carrying him out, the nurse stopped so I could see him. He was so beautiful to me, I just wanted to cry. I couldn't touch him because my arms were still strapped down. That moment, that one moment, was the best moment of my life. Whenever I'm asked if there is a moment in life I would relive, that's the one. Just so I could feel the emotions again that come when you see your child for the first time.

Linkage, blog readers, etc

I know some of you bloggers have all this tracking software, etc, so you know who reads your blog, where they're from, how often they come to your blog and so on, but for the rest of you...

Do you ever wonder who actually reads your blog? Does it concern you at all, not knowing who may read it? Do you wonder what people (who read, but don't comment)think about your blog - the content, your writing style, whatever? I have to admit, I'm really curious sometimes about who comes here and what they think when they read my blog. I had gotten a Clustr map that shows where people are located that come to my blog. Someone from Malaysia came to my blog. And, as I don't know anyone from Malaysia, I wonder how they found my blog, and what their thoughts were, if they even read the blog. It's just one of those "Wow" moments for me.

I also found that I was linked on some one's blog that I didn't even know this person was aware of my existence as a blogger. So, I'm thinking to myself, well... if I'm linked on his blog, then I'm assuming he actually reads my blog sometimes. And this really boggles the mind. This blogger is one of those people that I really admire and am in awe of. I've never had any exchange with this person, here, or on OT or in PM's, so I really don't know why he would ever read my blog or have a link to it on his. He is one of those people that I would never meet even if I had the chance, because I think this person is so intelligent, I know I would appear to be a total dimwit if we met and actually had a conversation. This is really stupid, but when I saw the link to my blog, I was all "Wow! How freaking cool that he has my blog linked!" Soooo immature, right? *grin*

I need to update my links. I told Bravie one time that if she ever took her blog down, I would be lost because I use her blog links when I go blog-rolling. Hell, half the time, I have to use her blog just to get to mine, because I don't always remember the addy for my own blog.

Anyhoo, if there is anyone who reads my blog, that I don't have linked, and you would like to be linked, please let me know. Let me rephrase that. If you don't want to be linked, let me know. Otherwise, I'm linking you.

A pinch of this, a dash of that.

1. Thanks to eBay, I was able to get the rest of the Wizard of Oz dolls from the McDonald's Happy Meals. And, they didn't cost me too awful much. I had checked craig's list, like HD and maybe someone else had suggested, but there was only one listing. The person had the whole collection for sale for $40.

2. I'm such a dork, but I'm not going to tell why.

3. Why do we not name names when we talk about someone? It's not like people don't figure out or already know who we're talking about. Now, if I was posting something slanderous (or would it be libelous?), obviously I wouldn't name names, but as far as saying someone annoys the hell out of me, why did I dance around saying it was agman?

4. I'm freaking out about my costume for our conference. I have just over two weeks to decide what I'm going to do, and to pull it together. But, unless I want to put it on the credit cards (and I don't), I have to wait until next Friday to purchase anything. That's what going for mani/pedi's two weeks in a row will do to the budget. I have $28 dollars to live on until my next payday (June 1). I had to take my change jar in and get a voucher from the CoinStar machine to buy groceries for the next two weeks. I'm just thankful I had the change jar. I was not looking forward to trying to eat for two weeks on just $28.

5. I really wish I wasn't too embarrassed about what makes me a dork to discuss it. Because I would *like* to discuss it, but it's just too dorky, even for me.

6. It's about to get crazy at work. I don't know if you remember when I posted about how the only intelligent person (besides my boss and myself) left the office, but now her replacement is leaving, too. And the other woman, who is super nice, but not very strong, work-wise, is taking another position within the office (different department). That leaves me and stinky-perfume woman in our department. I really don't want to have to help her keep things going, just because I.Don't.Like.Her. But I'll have to be professional about it. (piss on that)

7. The only major thing I accomplished this weekend was I did my laundry, and I changed the light bulbs in the kitchen. The last one had burnt out, so I really had no choice. I hate doing that. I have balance issues, and my step ladder really needs a couple more steps for me to feel comfortable on it. As it is, I have to stand on the very top step (ok, it only has two steps), and I have nothing to hang on to. I need to change the bulbs in my bedroom light fixture, but hey! I still have a lamp in there, so no hurry.

8. I have decided to continue with Curves. I am able to go up and down the stairs without the pain I was having earlier. And, even bigger, when I go up the stairs at work, I am able to actually have a conversation with someone immediately, instead of having to wait to catch my breath. But I didn't go tonight. So I must go tomorrow.

9. I need some drink recipes. I have vodka, Jack Daniels, rum, and tequila that I need to get out of the house before July when arkieboy moves back home. I also have 3 bottles of wine. One bottle, I'm going to just put up in my closet (on it's side, tilted down) because it's from my trip to California when Catt, Jimbo and I went wine-tasting. I'm not going to just guzzle it down or get rid of it.

10. I really hate my own cooking.

11. I'm still not sleeping very well. The doctor I saw for my sleep apnea gave me a prescription for sleeping pills when I went for my follow up. He and the pharmacist both told me not to take them every night. I've only taken one since I got them (it's been over a week). It took an hour and a half to kick in, and then I still woke up during the night.

12. Speaking of the sleep apnea, I got the bill for the two sleep study tests. After my insurance paid, and after the doctor's office gave me a "preferred client discount", I still owe $735. I guess I'm going to have to put it on the credit card.

13. I only have 8 more bi-weekly payments to make on my car. Woo Hoo!!!!

14. I really don't have anything else to say, but I can't leave off at #13.

15. I couldn't leave off at 14, either.

Time to step back

I have got to take a break from OT now. I find myself being extremely annoyed by one of the newer members of the community, and it's ridiculous to allow someone I don't even know to annoy me. I mean, it's not like I *have* to read his stupid, inane comments, but I do read them, and then I'm annoyed. So when something as stupid as someone posting absolutely useless commments for no other reason than to increase his/her DAW level is bugging me, it's time to step away from the computer.

Glowie's survey

1. If you went to dinner with Jesus who would pick up the check?
(I'll just go with Glowie's answer)I would but I really don't think a restaurant should make him pay.

2. If you had to eliminate one state from the United States, which one would it be?
Utah.

3. If Spiderman and Superman were forced to fight to the death, who would win? Why?
Superman. I don't think Spidey's web would be enough to defeat him.

4. Sawyer, Jack or Sayid?
who?

5. Mohinder, Nathan or Peter?
who?

6. For the next hour you have to listen to one song on repeat. What song is it?
Stevie Ray Vaughn's Cold Shot.

7. What is your favorite movie? Why?
I don't actually have a "favorite".

8. Who is your favorite actor/actress?
Johnny Depp

9. Avril Lavigne. Yes or no?
No, No, I don't want her, No, No, Her new song sucks, Hey, Hey, She makes me want to puke.

10. Do you have a job or a career?
I have a job.

11. Would you move out of state for a job?
I've done it before, so yeah.

12. Have any sharks been jumped by American Idol?
Of course not. They haven't been out on the water. *rolls eyes*

13. Have you ever gone to a concert by yourself? If so, would you do it again? If not, would you?
No. As for would I? I guess it would depend on the artist and how badly I wanted to see him/her.

14. Did your mom and/or dad make you do chores? If so, what were they?
Yes. I had to do laundry, and hang the clothes out on the line. I had to help cook. I also had to do dishes.

15. Would you go to a sex toy party with your mom?
gawd, no.

16. If you were to have a sex toy party, would you invite your boss?
Had one, and invited her.

17. How big is too big?
For what?

18. What is your favorite reality show?
Right now? Charm School.

19. Do you have a favorite reality show contestant?
Kinda, sorta.

20. Could you whistle that little tune at the beginning of Peter Bjorn and John’s “Young Folks” for me right now?
huh?

21. Howard Stern. Yes or no?
No.

22. Do you know any local bands that you would like to pimp?
No.

23. Name one state you would like to visit that you have not visited.
New Mexico.

24. Why would Pink perform on American Idol after adamantly not giving clearance for the contestants perform her songs?
I don't know. I don't have a problem with it, though. If I was a song writer and/or recording artist, I wouldn't want some of those people butchering my work.

25. Multi-grain, wheat or white?
Wheat or white.

26. Carrots dipped in peanut butter?
*pukes*

27. Do you add extra butter to your popcorn at the movie theater?
Yes.

28. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear? What do they look like?
No. I had to throw out my favorite pair, and haven't bought anymore like that. I love "Cheekies".

29. Name one country song that will help convince non-fans that it isn’t all bad.
Yeah, right.

30. What is in the trunk of your car?
A pen and an air compressor thingy.

31. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say Marky Mark?
Mahky Mahk the Aardvahk (the invisible pet Monsty gave me.)

32. Which character from a movie or television show would you be?
Which ever character that gets busy with Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman.

33. Who was the last person you hugged?
My son.

34. Have you ever been on a cruise?
No.

35. Will Glowie be able to sleep in a tiny closet-sized room on a cruise ship with no windows while constantly worrying and missing my kids?
I don't know, but I'm getting claustrophobic just thinking about it.

Unbelievable...

I did it again. I went for another mani/pedi this afternoon. While the girl is finishing up on my fingernails, my cell phone starts ringing. Since the phone is in my purse, I ignore it. I walk back to the dryer area, my phone rings again. Again, I ignore it. A third call. One of the manicurists was walking by at that time, and asked it I wanted her to get my phone for me. I say yes, and she gets it out for me. 3 missed calls from my mom's phone number. I call back. It was arkieboy who had been calling. Why? Because I had told him 30 minutes earlier when we talked, that I would call him later. I tell him what I'm doing, and I will call when I'm finished. I end the call, go to set my phone down, and you guessed it! I smudged the hell out of one of the nails. And guess what? It was the same damn finger that I messed up last week.

This week's color is Cara Mia Crimson, on fingers and toes.

There's a reason why

I don't get manicures. After eating at Chili's, I decide to treat myself and get a manicure and pedicure. I must say, it's quite nice having a man rub my feet. Anyway, after getting all pampered, and sitting with my hands and feet under the UV light and fan to get the polish set, I drive home. I'm being oh-so-careful. I pull into my drive, put the car in park, and go to turn off the ignition. That's when it happened.



I don't know if you can tell from the photo, but as I was taking the key out of the ignition, the chain on my key chain scraped across my nail, and messed up the polish. I am so pissed. It's shit like this that makes me feel almost inadequate as a woman. Women all over the place get manicures, and their nails look nice, and I can't even make 10 minutes before I fuck it up.

Why I don't like country music...

If you received one of the drunk phone calls, you know why I'm posting this.

I don't like country music because, well, it sucks. I don't like "twangy" music. I don't like most of the lyrics. And my ex-husband would listen to only country music on the radio when I was in the car with him.

One reason I love my job

I get emails like this:

Freda, Freda, she's the best;
she's better than all the rest.
Her hair is perfect, her face divine;
if I swung the other way, I'd make her mine!!!!!!!