Rushing the holidays

Why won't retailers let us enjoy one holiday before shoving the next one down our throats? I stopped off at the grocery store on Christmas Eve, and what do I see, but Valentine Cards??? Please! I mean, really, can't they just hold that until the middle of January? It's not like the majority of people don't wait until the last minute anyway. I hate Valentine's Day. OK, yeah, I'm bitter and jealous. Other than the three years I was married, I never had a "sweetie" at VD anyway. My ex got me something the first year we were married, but I don't remember getting anything the other two. It was kind of sweet, but he pissed me off first. We didn't have the money for him to buy me anything, which was fine, but he could have picked some flowers out of my mom's yard for me. I told him that, too. He refused. Then later, he drew a picture of flowers, and wrote a little poem for me. I don't remember the exact wording, but it said something about loving me even if he wouldn't steal flowers out of someone's yard to prove it. It was sweet. Then, when he got paid later that week, he went to the florist, and bought, I think, a single red rose, and a couple of daisys.

I know it's silly to get all hung up on one day, but sometimes, you need the gesture. For me, it wouldn't be, oh, he has to buy me a dozen roses, and a big box of candy, and a huge card with sickeningly sweet words on it. Truthfully, one flower (and it wouldn't have to be a rose), and even just a kiddie valentine would mean so much.

self-destructive

I know I am being self-destructive, but it's hard to change a lifetime behaviour habit. It's like I can't let myself be happy. Or I am trying to prevent myself from getting hurt. Whatever. I've got to stop it. Been drinking way too much, but at least I'm not over-eating, right? And then on the emotional side, I'm doing my "pull away before they get to close" act. Cause after all, if you don't care about someone, and don't let them in your heart (and I'm talking about friendship as well as romantic relationship), then they can't hurt you. Be the uber-bitch, drive them away, and don't get hurt. But I've got to take the risk of being hurt. Because if I don't take that risk, I will never know the possiblity of what good could come from it. Of course, it's easy to sit here and type this. It's so much harder to actually change my behaviour.

My ex sux, part 2

Background: Since our divorce in 93, my ex normally gets our son around son's birthday in July, usually the weekend after Thanksgiving, and either a few days before Christmas or a few days after Christmas. I always have my son with me on Christmas. The ex always waits until the last minute to ask to have him, and I try to be accommodating, but have always refused to let him have son on Christmas day or birthday. Usually, I have already requested my vacation time for Christmas holidays, and make him take other week. This year? I didn't do that. Even though I had already requested the week after Christmas off from work, I agreed to let him have son that week. I even agreed that he could pick him up on Christmas Eve, and not bring him back until after New Years. After these arrangements were made, my son got into some trouble, and also requested to move back to Arkansas to live with my parents. So, I moved him back over Thanksgiving. I had planned to not go to my parents' home for Christmas, since son wouldn't b with me anyway, and made arrangements to spend the day with a good friend, who has been nice enough to open her home to me for that day.

So, what has me all ticked off today? My mom calls me this morning at my son's request. They haven't heard from his dad yet, and he was supposed to be picking son up today. Could I please call him and see what's going on? And yes, there is bad weather, and he is an OTR trucker, and is probably stuck somewhere, blah, blah, blah. So I call him. He is in Tennessee, has been since Wednesday. Trying to make it back to Arkansas, but stuck on interstate, going 2 miles per hour. Says, "I guess I should have called them". NO FREAKING DUH, YOU MORON! His excuse? He kept forgetting. Then he says, no I didn't forget about him, I just forgot to take my phone in the restaurant with me. Then trots out lame excuse of being over minutes. Asks would I call and tell them? Because I am such an accommodating person, I agree to do this. He will not call them until he gets home, and it will probably be a couple of days after Christmas before he will be able to pick son up. So, here I am, in Tennesse, alone on Christmas, not spending it with my family, and he's not even going to get son until after that. I could have driven down, spent the holidays with family. And then, I had to call my son, and tell him that his dad would not be picking him up for a few days, and wouldn't be calling him today either. He's crying, he's upset, and I just want to take a bat and beat my ex over the head with it. My son deserves so much better than to be treated like an afterthought by his dad.

What I want...

I was chatting the other night, and we were talking about what we look for in a man. I made the typical comments about cute butt, etc, but none of that really matters. I want someone who is going to love me, regardless of how I look, and can see inside me, past the bitchy attitude I use as my defense, and likes what he finds there. I want someone who is going to treat me good, and I don't mean buy me material things. Someone who will hold me when I'm down, and will be there with me when I'm up. My perfect someone won't be perfect, but neither am I. But that won't matter to either of us. And he will inspire me to be the good person he sees when he looks at me. And, I can't stress this enough, he will love me. The real me. Not the me that I try to be to make others like me.

My ex-husband sux

I am so pissed at my ex right now. He is so friggin' unbelievable! Yet, I shouldn't be surprised at this latest thing, it's so typically him. OK, so our son gets into some trouble, and I need money for legal fees. $3500, to be exact. I can get cash advances on my credit cards, and my parents loan me $1K, but I'm still $700 short. When I tell the ex about the situation, he actually offered to help out. So, after I determine how much I will need, he says he has that much, and will send me a money order. Great, that's one less thing I'm having to worry about, with everything that's going on. So, today, after my son has a detention hearing, prior to setting the court date, I'm talking to jerk-face, and he asks do I still need that much money? This is after I told him I had to post bond on our son! Then proceeds to tell me that he needs part of that money so he can go visit his fiancee in Ohio over Christmas. This visit? was already planned, but now he needs that money to finance it. I'm sorry, but I so do not care if he can't spend Christmas with his GF, if that means keeping our son out of jail. And another thing that pisses me off, is I had actually been in the mind frame that I would consider this a loan, and would pay him back. Or, at least, report to the child support agency, the payment to reduce the amount of back child support (he currently owes over $7500 in back support). And that's another thing. His child support is only $40/week. I have never, in the 11 years that we've been divorced, gone back and asked for more. Admittedly, I did turn him in for non-payment after 2-3 years, but I think I have been more than reasonable.